A Single Year and a Day - Day 5 - Heartfelt hugs from a Stranger

I have no goals, plans, or themes for today. I did, and then the day just happened, and I knew that it didn't matter what I thought I would blog about. This blog is just about living, and feeling, and doing.

The work that I do is stressful. A lot of moving parts, a lot of data, a lot of making sure that it all shows up where, when, and how it's supposed to. If it doesn't, there's a very real fear that personal health data will end up in the wrong place to the wrong people. I know that I don't want the world to know my business, so this is a pretty big thing.

Today, a large group of my business partners showed up to figure out how to make sure that the work that my teammate and I do is fully supported. For nine hours, we worked as a team to build new processes to fix what was broken. I have never felt more supported or heard in my life. By the end of the day, a fairly high mukety-muck said to the room, "The more that I hear, the more that I understand how much support [T] and Roana need, and I feel like we really need to throw our support behind them 100%."

Our team consists of a grand total of two people. What we do affects over 50 business partners and several hundreds of thousands of members, and today that was not only recognized, but celebrated. My team's efforts were applauded. That hit my heart square on.

Then I met up with my ex to watch the Blazers game. It's not what you think; we aren't getting back together. But he is one of my best friends, and I am definitely his. We need each other in a purely platonic way, and we're working toward that. In fact, being around him really drove home how he can't be what I need. He's a wonderful guy, but he has a lot to work through. And as has been hammered into me, I deserve someone who can and will put me at the very least on his priority list. My ex is a good guy, but I'm simply not that important to him. Not like that. Not like I'm beginning to believe that I deserve. (I still hate that word, and a post about that is totally coming up soon.)

He dropped me off at the train station, and as I walked away from his car, I truly felt the pain of what isn't and couldn't ever be. I started to cry, and I let myself. The heaving sobs, the pain, the tear-filled eyes. I needed that so much. I needed to feel that pain, that frustration, that fear. I needed to mourn what wasn't and never was going to be. It doesn't matter how I feel about him, it's so one-sided as to be laughable. So I cried.

I cried as I waited for the train. I cried as I leaned against the clear plastic divider on the train. I cried my heart out, and I knew that it was exactly what I needed.

At some point, as I just allowed myself to hurt, a young man got on the train. He wore a Blazers jersey, a pair of long shorts, and had a long board with him. He was maybe late 20s/early 30s? White, ginger beard, and a ball cap on his head. He got on the train and stood across from me. I barely noticed him, so caught up in my own pain, until he asked me if I was okay. I nodded, and continued to cry.

Then he did the most Portland thing ever. He said, "Do you need a hug?" I nodded, and he reached over and just held me while I cried. I have no idea how long he held me, but it was at least a few stops. When I finally pulled away, he patted my arm and said, "What's going on?"

I told him that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and while I knew that that's how it goes sometimes, it still hurt so damn much. I said, "Life. It's so hard." He said, "Yeah. I get it. I just lost my brother. He was 35 years old, and work, stress, life... it killed him."

And we stood there, the two of us, in a joined sorrow for several minutes, not really saying anything.

My stop came, and I thanked him again. He asked me my name, I told him, then he told me his. He hugged me again, and I got off the train. I cried the entire way home because of his incredible kindness.

There will be those who think that it's awful how sad I was, how much I cried, maybe even be weirded out by what happened with this stranger on the train. Personally? I feel like I'm finally beginning to feel a bit. It may have taken five days, but for the first time, I've cried - and cried hard - over the loss of a dream, and over the fear that this is my life now. Tomorrow I'll feel a million times better because today I cried in the arms of a stranger.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 4 - Guidelines and Definitions

Goal: Set guidelines for this year and a day

Timeframe: 1 day

Process: Decide what this year is meant to achieve, and set guidelines for successes and areas that need continued work

Success: Complete general guidelines to help me through this year

Progress: [Complete]

Even though I've known for a couple of days that I'm going to need guidelines, rules, something to help me get through this year, I am struggling to figure them out. I have a lot of expectations for myself, and a lot of "themes" to process. Some, if not all, of them are going to need at the very least definitions.

I've written and rewritten a number of things, only to erase them again and again. This really isn't easy. Yet, when I think about why I'm doing this, what my end-goals are, the whole definition thing becomes much easier.

Single - Not dating anyone. Not even casually, because I'm incapable of worrying about myself when I'm romantically with another person, even for only one evening. So, single is exactly that: single. Solo.

Alone - The goal is to do the kinds of things that I would spend time with a partner, but alone. Go to the movies, a museum, a weekend on the coast, or a night home on my own. I want to learn how to feel comfortable in those situations without someone there beside me.

Emotionally Available - This is when I am able to trust someone enough to let them in. As an example, every relationship that I've been in for the past 18 years, I've been waiting for him to leave from day one. Every. Relationship. It took seven years before I started to trust my ex-husband not to leave, and that ended way worse than him just leaving. So, trust. I need to learn to trust again.

The rules, or rather guidelines, for this journey are as follows:

• Journal every day, if not on this blog, then elsewhere to be posted later
• Be willing to step back from a relationship if one may potentially happen
• Spend at least three hours of awake time alone every day, or some combination that equates to 21 hours a week (can be in combination with the other things on this list)
• Meditate daily
• Do at least one ritual a quarter (Solstices and Equinoxes)
• Exercise at least five hours a week
• Take medications and vitamins daily

Again, these are subject to change as we roll through the year, but this is a good start. There are no repercussions if I don't hit these guidelines. I deal with enough self-flagellation; I'm not going to add to it. I just need this stuff written down. Some way to keep my focus - or regain it, as the case may be. 

This wasn't a particularly fun blog post to write. It was harder than it should have been. I wonder why. 

A Single Year and a Day - Themes to Address

The themes have been set and I wanted them to all be in one place for easy reference. I'm going to be needing these a lot over the next several months.

1. Learn to be comfortable alone.
2. Determine personal wants/needs/likes outside of external input. 
1. Do more thinking about what I think and less about what others think.
3. Find what I love about being me and not only love it but celebrate it.
4. Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help.
5. Learn and apply the techniques needed to feel freely again.
6. Set goals and create plan for a sound body and better physical health.

I like these themes. It lays out a plan for me. They may change as the year progresses, but it's a good starting point. 

A Single Year and a Day - Day 3

Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise

Timeframe: 3 days (last day)

Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change

Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on

Progress: [Complete] 

Years ago, I felt everything... deeply. Heart on my sleeve? Nah. Heart on my whole shirt, maybe my skirt and socks, too. I cried freely and I laughed heartily. I loved with all of my heart, and I gave my emotional all to all those with whom I came into contact. Remembering that time in my life, I remember the freedom that came with that way of living. My emotions weren't volatile, just... out there for the world to see.

Over the years, with tragedy and injury after tragedy and injury, I closed in on myself. It's not that my emotions aren't there. I just can't access them like I used to. They're... frozen in my chest in a block of ice. Every now and then, the ice will melt and I'll feel a bit. Not a lot, but something. 

The weight of that block of ice is daunting. The pressure, the stress of carrying it, the fear that it will never melt. What if those emotions are never released? What if my fear of being hurt again keeps me from being able to love freely again?

I do feel, but it's muted. Like the ice filters my emotions, chills it to keep it from burning too hot. I dunno. Is this just what happens as an adult? Your heart lives freely in the beginning, but over the years, callouses form. Every painful thing said - "You know, I don't think I ever loved you." - and loss - "I'm sorry, but your baby was just too small to make it." - and tragedy - "I've been sleeping with other people." - rubs against your heart, dragging gores into the flesh which eventually scab over. Over time, that beautiful heart that sang with every sunrise struggles to hum over anything. 

There's a mental health diagnosis for this kind of thing. It's called Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. That's the extreme version, the one where a person has lost all sense of connection to the world because the scabs and callouses have completely covered their heart. They've completely emotionally checked out. Their heart is a geode.

This terrifies me. How many more tragedies am I away from that? What will have to happen to push me into that status?

Yeah, okay, I'm just not willing to go there. So I need to figure out how to melt that ice, shave those callouses, crack that geode. Whatever crappy metaphor you want to use, that. I need to figure out how to do that. 

Theme 5: Learn and apply the techniques needed to feel freely again.

I don't remember where I heard this, but recently I heard someone talking about what makes a great relationship. They said that when someone makes you want to grow and be better for that person, that's how you know you're where you should be. At first, this really resonated with me. Wow, I thought. Yes! I want to be better, and I have this incentive. To be better for him. 

What. The. Fuck? Like, seriously?

There are a lot of things that I need to be better at, and I will continue to work on those things with or without a man in my life. Because I deserve (this is a word that I struggle with and will likely come back to another time) to be the best person I can be. End. Of. Story. The only way to get there is by picking myself up and doing the things. Not because or despite of some guy, but because I need to be better. 

The sentiment should really have been that when someone makes you want to grow and be better with that person. Together, you both strive to be so much more than you thought you could be on your own. Not one or the other, but both of you. 

This is 100% where I fail. I am exceptional at helping others become better versions of themselves, without finding someone willing to do the converse. It's not that they're users, so much as they simply can't/won't/don't know how to help me be the best version of myself.

I've always interpreted that as they clearly don't love me. If they did, they'd do this for me. The more that I think about it, though, the more that I realize that love isn't the big factor here. It's laziness. They very well might love me, but they simply cannot get up the gumption to be that person for me, even when I've done it for them. Worse, they honestly think they have because they've said, "Yeah, I think grad school would be good for you!" Whereas I have hunted down application documents, helped write countless essays, and oftentimes done everything but actually send the application myself to help him. 

The resentment is strong in me on this. I want someone that I can trust (oh man...) to walk me through those steps when necessary. This has become my litmus test in my mind. 

However... I'm dedicated to being single for a year and a day. So I have to be my own incentive. I have goals, things I want to accomplish outside of rebuilding my soul and uncovering my heart. These should be as important as everything else. Not to attract a man. Not to keep a man. Not for any reason other than I deserve to be a better me. 

Theme 6: Set goals and create plan for a sound body and better physical health.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 2

Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise

Timeframe: 3 days (2 days left)

Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change

Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on

Progress: 4 of 6 

Today ... was a day. My son and I went to my ex's place to get the rest of my things, and walking through the house, scouring the backyard for the dogs' toys... all of it, hurt. I teared up as I said my good-byes to an empty house, wishing it could be different. I laughed a lot in that house. I felt comfortable and at ease there. Even though I still have a key, I honestly don't know if I'll ever see the inside of it again. 

Because I'm me, my mind went to the next woman he'll bring there. What will she think? How will he act with her? Will he be in love with her, passionate and playful? Will she be able to break through in a way that I couldn't? 

I'm jealous of someone he may not even know yet. What am I jealous of? Am I jealous that he'll be with someone else? Yes, but only in so much as it's a representative of what I'm not. Whomever she will be, she will be something I'm not. Thinner, prettier, funnier, smarter... what will it be about her that will catch and possibly keep him? What will she have that will bring up the passion that he couldn't find with me? What is wrong with me that will be right with her?

And that's kind of the thing. Intellectually, I know that some relationships work and others don't, and sometimes there just isn't a logical, coherent reason why. Two humans in a relationship means that there are dynamics that can't be accounted for on paper. Intellectually, I know this. And intellectually, I know that he was right to break up. My head is very much in agreement. But my heart...?

Yeah, that gets tricky. I do not doubt for one second that I love him. I want only good things for him. I really do want him to be happy. At the same time, I know that a big part of why this breakup hurts is because once again, I was found wanting. I wasn't enough. I was too fat, too bossy, too... me. If only I'd have worked harder, done more, acted more sexy, it would have been different. If only I'd... 

... not been me. 

That's what I'm bemoaning. That I wasn't woman enough to keep a man. It doesn't matter if he's the wrong man for me or not. It doesn't matter if I knew that I wanted more than he was able to give. What matters is that I failed. I wasn't enough. I lack... something. Again. Because as a twice-divorced woman with almost no singledom in between, what I keep telling myself is that I... lack. Intrinsically. Internally. Externally. I don't know what it is because I can't put my finger on it. If I could, I'd fix it. I'd be more. I'd work harder. I'd ...

... not be me.

I need to remember that it's not all about whether or not I was enough. Sometimes, it's about whether he's enough for me. Sometimes, it's about whether that relationship fills my head, my heart, and my soul. Sometimes, I'm enough, but the relationship just isn't.

Theme 3: Find what I love about being me and not only love it but celebrate it.

A number of friends have reached out to me over the past couple of days. I've gotten a lot of love, support, and just plain kindness. Some have offered words of advice from having gone through something similar; others have offered anecdotes about what their single-by-choice life has meant to them. Some just wanted me to know that they were around and cared. 

One friend very pointedly told me that I'm only as alone as I want to be because I could always reach out. 

If you know me, you already know that's really hard for me to do. My best friend will text me to ask me how I'm doing, to which I'll say, "Oh, you know. But how are you? How did X go? Tell me all about how life is going for you!" And she will immediately call me out for deflecting. She will steer me back to my life, my woes, my fears, my concerns. Because she knows me well, she watches for it, and counters it. To my face, if you can believe it!

So, for the past couple of years, I've been working on not doing that. To understand that when my friends ask me how I'm doing, they actually want to know. It's not like my boss asking me in passing by the water cooler how everything is. No, these people really do care. They want to listen. Most importantly, I'm not a burden when I start with, "I'm really hurting today, and I could use a shoulder for a bit." 

This means the world to me. Many of these people have been my lifeline since the end of my marriage when I went into a black abyss with no way to get out on my own. Nonetheless, I still believe that self-soothing is an important skill to have. It's why I started meditating years ago. I could find my peace even if I couldn't ask for a hand. 

Now that I have hands aplenty, and many shoulders, I've backed away from meditating, and I think that's a problem. I think that a large part of my problems stem from my lack of centering, finding my soul, and focusing internally on where I feel out of balance. I need to get back there. I need to find my soul again, and spend some time taking care of it.

Theme 4: Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 1

Goal: Figure out what I want/need from this exercise
Timeframe: 3 days
Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change
Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on

I didn't cry when he said what he said. I didn't cry when I lay in the bed, wide awake, listening to his quiet snore that I love so much. I didn't cry while I packed my things. I didn't cry when I told my friends about the break up.

It's not that I didn't care. I love him. But he made the right decision - even if I fault him for his timing and methods. We were buddies first, and only rarely lovers. We just don't belong together as a couple right now. I'm still emotionally damaged from my marriage, and he has his own issues. I understand this, and while it hurt that he stepped away like he did, intellectually, I got it.

Having not slept much, I moved through my day at work slowly and methodically. I just did the day, you know? Then 5:00 came, and I realized that I was going to be alone all evening. That's when the tears welled up, though they didn't fall. I heaved dry sobs, and the pain my stomach ... oy. Typing this up, it seems ridiculously mellow-dramatic, but again, this whole process has caused real pain in the past. I didn't give it up last time because it was easy. I don't do single well. Period.

Maybe I should explain. It wasn't that I was going to be alone that did it, because I am alone a lot of evenings in general. It was that I was going to be alone, and I didn't know how to not be alone. I didn't have a go-to person to call and say, "Hey, when will you be home? I can have dinner ready." In fact, I had no one to worry about for dinner but me. That realization bowled me over, and not in a good way.

Theme 1: Learn to be comfortable alone

To save me from myself, I took the dogs for a long walk, then went grocery shopping. Here's where my mental gymnastics really shone. I put on a fairly short sundress, because it shows off my legs which I've been told are really nice and I wanted to be looked at and admired. I wandered the store, trying to decide what to buy, and I focused on what to eat to lose weight to be more attractive. At one point, I stopped myself from buying hair dye because I legitimately didn't know if I wanted to dye my hair for me... or to look less old to maybe attract a partner.

Nearly every decision that I made as I wandered that store centered on how to make myself more appealing - in a conventional sense - to men to get their attention. I know that I thrive on the idea that someone finds me sexually attractive. I even know why; I've had decades of therapy to figure this out. When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted, and then raped in high school. Doesn't take even a BS in Psychology to know that will cause some issues. So yeah, okay, got it. Even at nearly 50, this crap is coming up. The question isn't what or why, but how to fix it.

Specifically, how do I decide what I like for me without focusing on what affect those things might have on some unknown man on the street (or in the store)? I'm going to admit that it really disturbed me to realize exactly how much this comes up in my thinking just walking through a freaking grocery store. It is sad how little I know about my own wants and needs, irrespective of the men I come into contact with. What is wrong with me?? Damn....

Theme 2: Determine personal wants/needs/likes outside of external input
     Subtheme A: Do more thinking about what I think and less about what others
     think

A Single Year and a Day

Introduction

Two years ago, I walked away from a 12-year marriage. The why isn't nearly as important as the how: I packed a 10-foot by 10-foot U-haul with whatever fit, loaded the cab with my 18-year-old daughter, her dog, and my two cats. We then drove 2100 miles across the country, from Champaign, Illinois to Portland, Oregon.

I was 47 years old, my four children were all adults, and it was time to start my life over, this time for me.

The problem was that I didn't really know how to do that. I'd lived my life for others for so long that this whole "focus on me" thing was not only alien, it hurt. I cried a lot. I ached with loneliness. The entire "learn to be alone" thing just didn't happen. Within six months, I joined several dating sites and met a really nice guy.

Flash forward 18 months and we're standing on his back porch, watching my dogs - that he's spent as much time with as I have - play in the yard. Atypically, stars shine clearly in the Portland sky. We'd just spent a pretty wonderful week together, and I had started moving in. The man beside me, someone I'd grown to love and respect if not always adore, sighs heavily and says, "Roana, you're my best friend..."

... my heart melted...

"...but I'm not sure about the romantic side of our relationship." And with that, I was single again.

As I lay there in his bed - it was after 11pm when he told me this, and we'd been drinking so I stayed the night - tossing and turning, trying to understand what had happened and why - something clicked in me. I was single again. All of those things that I'd wanted to do before were available to me. I could learn to be alone, but for real this time. I could learn to take care of myself first (how do people do that??). I could figure out what I like to wear, how I like my hair, and the beauty in my own body without worrying about how a guy is seeing it.

Of course, the problem before was that doing all of those things were hard. So hard, that I gave up and jumped on the dating sites to find someone to distract me from myself. In reality, I simply didn't do single well. I am nearly 50, and I'm pretty sure that I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14. I put the "serial" in serial monogamy. It was time.

So this is my Single Year and a Day blog. I hope to blog something every day, but I know myself well-enough to know that may not happen. At the same time, this is kind of my diary of learning to be me. The motivation to write what happens, how I feel, and how I'm doing will be strong. Maybe on May 11, 2020, I'll be able to look back through this and see where growth happened.

Anyway. here's to living single... even when you're absolutely terrified of it.