Goal: Set guidelines for this year and a day
Timeframe: 1 day
Process: Decide what this year is meant to achieve, and set guidelines for successes and areas that need continued work
Success: Complete general guidelines to help me through this year
Progress: [Complete]
Even though I've known for a couple of days that I'm going to need guidelines, rules, something to help me get through this year, I am struggling to figure them out. I have a lot of expectations for myself, and a lot of "themes" to process. Some, if not all, of them are going to need at the very least definitions.
I've written and rewritten a number of things, only to erase them again and again. This really isn't easy. Yet, when I think about why I'm doing this, what my end-goals are, the whole definition thing becomes much easier.
Single - Not dating anyone. Not even casually, because I'm incapable of worrying about myself when I'm romantically with another person, even for only one evening. So, single is exactly that: single. Solo.
Alone - The goal is to do the kinds of things that I would spend time with a partner, but alone. Go to the movies, a museum, a weekend on the coast, or a night home on my own. I want to learn how to feel comfortable in those situations without someone there beside me.
Emotionally Available - This is when I am able to trust someone enough to let them in. As an example, every relationship that I've been in for the past 18 years, I've been waiting for him to leave from day one. Every. Relationship. It took seven years before I started to trust my ex-husband not to leave, and that ended way worse than him just leaving. So, trust. I need to learn to trust again.
The rules, or rather guidelines, for this journey are as follows:
Even though I've known for a couple of days that I'm going to need guidelines, rules, something to help me get through this year, I am struggling to figure them out. I have a lot of expectations for myself, and a lot of "themes" to process. Some, if not all, of them are going to need at the very least definitions.
I've written and rewritten a number of things, only to erase them again and again. This really isn't easy. Yet, when I think about why I'm doing this, what my end-goals are, the whole definition thing becomes much easier.
Single - Not dating anyone. Not even casually, because I'm incapable of worrying about myself when I'm romantically with another person, even for only one evening. So, single is exactly that: single. Solo.
Alone - The goal is to do the kinds of things that I would spend time with a partner, but alone. Go to the movies, a museum, a weekend on the coast, or a night home on my own. I want to learn how to feel comfortable in those situations without someone there beside me.
Emotionally Available - This is when I am able to trust someone enough to let them in. As an example, every relationship that I've been in for the past 18 years, I've been waiting for him to leave from day one. Every. Relationship. It took seven years before I started to trust my ex-husband not to leave, and that ended way worse than him just leaving. So, trust. I need to learn to trust again.
The rules, or rather guidelines, for this journey are as follows:
- Journal every day, if not on this blog, then elsewhere to be posted later
- Be willing to step back from a relationship if one may potentially happen
- Spend at least three hours of awake time alone every day, or some combination that equates to 21 hours a week (can be in combination with the other things on this list)
- Meditate daily
- Do at least one ritual a quarter (Solstices and Equinoxes)
- Exercise at least five hours a week
- Take medications and vitamins daily
Again, these are subject to change as we roll through the year, but this is a good start. There are no repercussions if I don't hit these guidelines. I deal with enough self-flagellation; I'm not going to add to it. I just need this stuff written down. Some way to keep my focus - or regain it, as the case may be.
This wasn't a particularly fun blog post to write. It was harder than it should have been. I wonder why.
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