This past weekend, a dear friend came to visit me. His presence has always given me that warm fuzzy feeling of comfort, so his visit was well-timed. We spent a whirlwind two days running around Portland, but also had a couple of hours of downtime to just talk. And as is our way, the conversation became deeper than I think either of us expected.
We talked about our issues, where we felt like we fell short in life. We both summed it up as, "I'm so damn broken." At one point, my friend asked me if we knew anyone that wasn't broken in some way. And that gave me pause for two reasons. First, I look at my friend and am constantly amazed at what he accomplishes every day with his challenges, so I don't think of him as broken at all.In fact, I have very few friends that I would truly identify as "broken". Second, if everyone is broken, is that the best way to describe anyone?
With those thoughts running through my head, I started wondering what "broken" really means. Who is broken? What makes them broken? How do we define broken versus having challenges?
In talking through this with my friend, I realized that while I regularly say that I'm broken, I don't really believe that I am. I have challenges. I have areas that I'm working on. That's everyone. Or at least, that's everyone who has even a bit of self-awareness. People - humans - know their areas to work on, and are continually learning to make those areas better. That's pretty unending. No one is perfect, so we're always working on something.
Those challenges and areas for improvement are more difficult for some than for others, to be sure, but if that's the definition of being broken, yep. We're all broken. Humans, as a whole, are broken. But that makes the word worthless. It's not really a description at all. It's like saying that humans breath air and poop feces. There has to be more to it to make it useful.
There are a few people in my life that I do think of as "broken". Like truly challenged people who need to do a lot of work to be a functional adult. They struggle with the most basic of life requirements, like getting and keeping a job in order to support themselves. They simply can't adult at the most basic levels. More importantly, they aren't working to get better. Their struggles are intense, but their effort is minimal or even non-existent. They've given up, or they won't seek out or listen to guidance. They settle into their challenges, wrapping themselves in their despair like a cloak. For some, their trauma has pushed them past being able to see any chance at correction of course. For others, they just can't see any path forward so they stop in their tracks, for whatever reason. I think there is comfort in their misery because at least then they understand their failure.
But those people are the exception in my life, not the rule. Nearly everyone I know has challenges either new or old. Nearly everyone has something "broken" in their life, but that doesn't make them broken as a whole. They know there are challenges, and nearly all of them are looking for ways to correct it. They may not really know how to fix those challenges but they're still working on it.
You've all seen my broken bits. It's on display in this blog in a million ways. But the more I think about it, the more that I realize that I'm not a broken person. I'm a flawed person, who spends a lot of time trying to correct those flaws. I've made mistakes - a lot of mistakes - and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm not a bad person for those errors. I'm just a person. Living my life in the best way that I know how. Sometimes I miss the mark, but that's not an inherent blot on my character. It's an action that I can learn from, and make better the next time.
This can't be news to anyone. For decades, psychotherapists have said exactly this. So how come we still consider ourselves broken instead of just flawed? Why do we wrap ourselves in that cloak of despair as if we're the only ones who've made mistakes or who are struggling to be better people?
We can't all be broken. So, going forward, I'm just going to call myself challenged. I'm a challenged human working to live a life that requires less effort to be a functioning adult. Maybe that's not as clean as saying broken, but at least with that I can see hope for a better me tomorrow. And when all else fails, hope helps get me through.
We talked about our issues, where we felt like we fell short in life. We both summed it up as, "I'm so damn broken." At one point, my friend asked me if we knew anyone that wasn't broken in some way. And that gave me pause for two reasons. First, I look at my friend and am constantly amazed at what he accomplishes every day with his challenges, so I don't think of him as broken at all.In fact, I have very few friends that I would truly identify as "broken". Second, if everyone is broken, is that the best way to describe anyone?
With those thoughts running through my head, I started wondering what "broken" really means. Who is broken? What makes them broken? How do we define broken versus having challenges?
In talking through this with my friend, I realized that while I regularly say that I'm broken, I don't really believe that I am. I have challenges. I have areas that I'm working on. That's everyone. Or at least, that's everyone who has even a bit of self-awareness. People - humans - know their areas to work on, and are continually learning to make those areas better. That's pretty unending. No one is perfect, so we're always working on something.
Those challenges and areas for improvement are more difficult for some than for others, to be sure, but if that's the definition of being broken, yep. We're all broken. Humans, as a whole, are broken. But that makes the word worthless. It's not really a description at all. It's like saying that humans breath air and poop feces. There has to be more to it to make it useful.
There are a few people in my life that I do think of as "broken". Like truly challenged people who need to do a lot of work to be a functional adult. They struggle with the most basic of life requirements, like getting and keeping a job in order to support themselves. They simply can't adult at the most basic levels. More importantly, they aren't working to get better. Their struggles are intense, but their effort is minimal or even non-existent. They've given up, or they won't seek out or listen to guidance. They settle into their challenges, wrapping themselves in their despair like a cloak. For some, their trauma has pushed them past being able to see any chance at correction of course. For others, they just can't see any path forward so they stop in their tracks, for whatever reason. I think there is comfort in their misery because at least then they understand their failure.
But those people are the exception in my life, not the rule. Nearly everyone I know has challenges either new or old. Nearly everyone has something "broken" in their life, but that doesn't make them broken as a whole. They know there are challenges, and nearly all of them are looking for ways to correct it. They may not really know how to fix those challenges but they're still working on it.
You've all seen my broken bits. It's on display in this blog in a million ways. But the more I think about it, the more that I realize that I'm not a broken person. I'm a flawed person, who spends a lot of time trying to correct those flaws. I've made mistakes - a lot of mistakes - and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm not a bad person for those errors. I'm just a person. Living my life in the best way that I know how. Sometimes I miss the mark, but that's not an inherent blot on my character. It's an action that I can learn from, and make better the next time.
This can't be news to anyone. For decades, psychotherapists have said exactly this. So how come we still consider ourselves broken instead of just flawed? Why do we wrap ourselves in that cloak of despair as if we're the only ones who've made mistakes or who are struggling to be better people?
We can't all be broken. So, going forward, I'm just going to call myself challenged. I'm a challenged human working to live a life that requires less effort to be a functioning adult. Maybe that's not as clean as saying broken, but at least with that I can see hope for a better me tomorrow. And when all else fails, hope helps get me through.
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