Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise
Timeframe: 3 days (2 days left)
Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change
Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on
Progress: 4 of 6
Today ... was a day. My son and I went to my ex's place to get the rest of my things, and walking through the house, scouring the backyard for the dogs' toys... all of it, hurt. I teared up as I said my good-byes to an empty house, wishing it could be different. I laughed a lot in that house. I felt comfortable and at ease there. Even though I still have a key, I honestly don't know if I'll ever see the inside of it again.
Because I'm me, my mind went to the next woman he'll bring there. What will she think? How will he act with her? Will he be in love with her, passionate and playful? Will she be able to break through in a way that I couldn't?
I'm jealous of someone he may not even know yet. What am I jealous of? Am I jealous that he'll be with someone else? Yes, but only in so much as it's a representative of what I'm not. Whomever she will be, she will be something I'm not. Thinner, prettier, funnier, smarter... what will it be about her that will catch and possibly keep him? What will she have that will bring up the passion that he couldn't find with me? What is wrong with me that will be right with her?
And that's kind of the thing. Intellectually, I know that some relationships work and others don't, and sometimes there just isn't a logical, coherent reason why. Two humans in a relationship means that there are dynamics that can't be accounted for on paper. Intellectually, I know this. And intellectually, I know that he was right to break up. My head is very much in agreement. But my heart...?
Yeah, that gets tricky. I do not doubt for one second that I love him. I want only good things for him. I really do want him to be happy. At the same time, I know that a big part of why this breakup hurts is because once again, I was found wanting. I wasn't enough. I was too fat, too bossy, too... me. If only I'd have worked harder, done more, acted more sexy, it would have been different. If only I'd...
... not been me.
That's what I'm bemoaning. That I wasn't woman enough to keep a man. It doesn't matter if he's the wrong man for me or not. It doesn't matter if I knew that I wanted more than he was able to give. What matters is that I failed. I wasn't enough. I lack... something. Again. Because as a twice-divorced woman with almost no singledom in between, what I keep telling myself is that I... lack. Intrinsically. Internally. Externally. I don't know what it is because I can't put my finger on it. If I could, I'd fix it. I'd be more. I'd work harder. I'd ...
... not be me.
I need to remember that it's not all about whether or not I was enough. Sometimes, it's about whether he's enough for me. Sometimes, it's about whether that relationship fills my head, my heart, and my soul. Sometimes, I'm enough, but the relationship just isn't.
Theme 3: Find what I love about being me and not only love it but celebrate it.
A number of friends have reached out to me over the past couple of days. I've gotten a lot of love, support, and just plain kindness. Some have offered words of advice from having gone through something similar; others have offered anecdotes about what their single-by-choice life has meant to them. Some just wanted me to know that they were around and cared.
One friend very pointedly told me that I'm only as alone as I want to be because I could always reach out.
If you know me, you already know that's really hard for me to do. My best friend will text me to ask me how I'm doing, to which I'll say, "Oh, you know. But how are you? How did X go? Tell me all about how life is going for you!" And she will immediately call me out for deflecting. She will steer me back to my life, my woes, my fears, my concerns. Because she knows me well, she watches for it, and counters it. To my face, if you can believe it!
So, for the past couple of years, I've been working on not doing that. To understand that when my friends ask me how I'm doing, they actually want to know. It's not like my boss asking me in passing by the water cooler how everything is. No, these people really do care. They want to listen. Most importantly, I'm not a burden when I start with, "I'm really hurting today, and I could use a shoulder for a bit."
This means the world to me. Many of these people have been my lifeline since the end of my marriage when I went into a black abyss with no way to get out on my own. Nonetheless, I still believe that self-soothing is an important skill to have. It's why I started meditating years ago. I could find my peace even if I couldn't ask for a hand.
Now that I have hands aplenty, and many shoulders, I've backed away from meditating, and I think that's a problem. I think that a large part of my problems stem from my lack of centering, finding my soul, and focusing internally on where I feel out of balance. I need to get back there. I need to find my soul again, and spend some time taking care of it.
Theme 4: Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help.
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