Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise
Timeframe: 3 days (last day)
Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change
Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on
Progress: [Complete]
Years ago, I felt everything... deeply. Heart on my sleeve? Nah. Heart on my whole shirt, maybe my skirt and socks, too. I cried freely and I laughed heartily. I loved with all of my heart, and I gave my emotional all to all those with whom I came into contact. Remembering that time in my life, I remember the freedom that came with that way of living. My emotions weren't volatile, just... out there for the world to see.
Over the years, with tragedy and injury after tragedy and injury, I closed in on myself. It's not that my emotions aren't there. I just can't access them like I used to. They're... frozen in my chest in a block of ice. Every now and then, the ice will melt and I'll feel a bit. Not a lot, but something.
The weight of that block of ice is daunting. The pressure, the stress of carrying it, the fear that it will never melt. What if those emotions are never released? What if my fear of being hurt again keeps me from being able to love freely again?
I do feel, but it's muted. Like the ice filters my emotions, chills it to keep it from burning too hot. I dunno. Is this just what happens as an adult? Your heart lives freely in the beginning, but over the years, callouses form. Every painful thing said - "You know, I don't think I ever loved you." - and loss - "I'm sorry, but your baby was just too small to make it." - and tragedy - "I've been sleeping with other people." - rubs against your heart, dragging gores into the flesh which eventually scab over. Over time, that beautiful heart that sang with every sunrise struggles to hum over anything.
There's a mental health diagnosis for this kind of thing. It's called Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. That's the extreme version, the one where a person has lost all sense of connection to the world because the scabs and callouses have completely covered their heart. They've completely emotionally checked out. Their heart is a geode.
This terrifies me. How many more tragedies am I away from that? What will have to happen to push me into that status?
Yeah, okay, I'm just not willing to go there. So I need to figure out how to melt that ice, shave those callouses, crack that geode. Whatever crappy metaphor you want to use, that. I need to figure out how to do that.
Theme 5: Learn and apply the techniques needed to feel freely again.
I don't remember where I heard this, but recently I heard someone talking about what makes a great relationship. They said that when someone makes you want to grow and be better for that person, that's how you know you're where you should be. At first, this really resonated with me. Wow, I thought. Yes! I want to be better, and I have this incentive. To be better for him.
What. The. Fuck? Like, seriously?
There are a lot of things that I need to be better at, and I will continue to work on those things with or without a man in my life. Because I deserve (this is a word that I struggle with and will likely come back to another time) to be the best person I can be. End. Of. Story. The only way to get there is by picking myself up and doing the things. Not because or despite of some guy, but because I need to be better.
The sentiment should really have been that when someone makes you want to grow and be better with that person. Together, you both strive to be so much more than you thought you could be on your own. Not one or the other, but both of you.
This is 100% where I fail. I am exceptional at helping others become better versions of themselves, without finding someone willing to do the converse. It's not that they're users, so much as they simply can't/won't/don't know how to help me be the best version of myself.
I've always interpreted that as they clearly don't love me. If they did, they'd do this for me. The more that I think about it, though, the more that I realize that love isn't the big factor here. It's laziness. They very well might love me, but they simply cannot get up the gumption to be that person for me, even when I've done it for them. Worse, they honestly think they have because they've said, "Yeah, I think grad school would be good for you!" Whereas I have hunted down application documents, helped write countless essays, and oftentimes done everything but actually send the application myself to help him.
The resentment is strong in me on this. I want someone that I can trust (oh man...) to walk me through those steps when necessary. This has become my litmus test in my mind.
However... I'm dedicated to being single for a year and a day. So I have to be my own incentive. I have goals, things I want to accomplish outside of rebuilding my soul and uncovering my heart. These should be as important as everything else. Not to attract a man. Not to keep a man. Not for any reason other than I deserve to be a better me.
Theme 6: Set goals and create plan for a sound body and better physical health.
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