A Single Year and a Day

Introduction

Two years ago, I walked away from a 12-year marriage. The why isn't nearly as important as the how: I packed a 10-foot by 10-foot U-haul with whatever fit, loaded the cab with my 18-year-old daughter, her dog, and my two cats. We then drove 2100 miles across the country, from Champaign, Illinois to Portland, Oregon.

I was 47 years old, my four children were all adults, and it was time to start my life over, this time for me.

The problem was that I didn't really know how to do that. I'd lived my life for others for so long that this whole "focus on me" thing was not only alien, it hurt. I cried a lot. I ached with loneliness. The entire "learn to be alone" thing just didn't happen. Within six months, I joined several dating sites and met a really nice guy.

Flash forward 18 months and we're standing on his back porch, watching my dogs - that he's spent as much time with as I have - play in the yard. Atypically, stars shine clearly in the Portland sky. We'd just spent a pretty wonderful week together, and I had started moving in. The man beside me, someone I'd grown to love and respect if not always adore, sighs heavily and says, "Roana, you're my best friend..."

... my heart melted...

"...but I'm not sure about the romantic side of our relationship." And with that, I was single again.

As I lay there in his bed - it was after 11pm when he told me this, and we'd been drinking so I stayed the night - tossing and turning, trying to understand what had happened and why - something clicked in me. I was single again. All of those things that I'd wanted to do before were available to me. I could learn to be alone, but for real this time. I could learn to take care of myself first (how do people do that??). I could figure out what I like to wear, how I like my hair, and the beauty in my own body without worrying about how a guy is seeing it.

Of course, the problem before was that doing all of those things were hard. So hard, that I gave up and jumped on the dating sites to find someone to distract me from myself. In reality, I simply didn't do single well. I am nearly 50, and I'm pretty sure that I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14. I put the "serial" in serial monogamy. It was time.

So this is my Single Year and a Day blog. I hope to blog something every day, but I know myself well-enough to know that may not happen. At the same time, this is kind of my diary of learning to be me. The motivation to write what happens, how I feel, and how I'm doing will be strong. Maybe on May 11, 2020, I'll be able to look back through this and see where growth happened.

Anyway. here's to living single... even when you're absolutely terrified of it.