Goal: Figure out what I want/need from this exercise
Timeframe: 3 days
Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change
Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on
I didn't cry when he said what he said. I didn't cry when I lay in the bed, wide awake, listening to his quiet snore that I love so much. I didn't cry while I packed my things. I didn't cry when I told my friends about the break up.
It's not that I didn't care. I love him. But he made the right decision - even if I fault him for his timing and methods. We were buddies first, and only rarely lovers. We just don't belong together as a couple right now. I'm still emotionally damaged from my marriage, and he has his own issues. I understand this, and while it hurt that he stepped away like he did, intellectually, I got it.
Having not slept much, I moved through my day at work slowly and methodically. I just did the day, you know? Then 5:00 came, and I realized that I was going to be alone all evening. That's when the tears welled up, though they didn't fall. I heaved dry sobs, and the pain my stomach ... oy. Typing this up, it seems ridiculously mellow-dramatic, but again, this whole process has caused real pain in the past. I didn't give it up last time because it was easy. I don't do single well. Period.
Maybe I should explain. It wasn't that I was going to be alone that did it, because I am alone a lot of evenings in general. It was that I was going to be alone, and I didn't know how to not be alone. I didn't have a go-to person to call and say, "Hey, when will you be home? I can have dinner ready." In fact, I had no one to worry about for dinner but me. That realization bowled me over, and not in a good way.
Theme 1: Learn to be comfortable alone
To save me from myself, I took the dogs for a long walk, then went grocery shopping. Here's where my mental gymnastics really shone. I put on a fairly short sundress, because it shows off my legs which I've been told are really nice and I wanted to be looked at and admired. I wandered the store, trying to decide what to buy, and I focused on what to eat to lose weight to be more attractive. At one point, I stopped myself from buying hair dye because I legitimately didn't know if I wanted to dye my hair for me... or to look less old to maybe attract a partner.
Nearly every decision that I made as I wandered that store centered on how to make myself more appealing - in a conventional sense - to men to get their attention. I know that I thrive on the idea that someone finds me sexually attractive. I even know why; I've had decades of therapy to figure this out. When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted, and then raped in high school. Doesn't take even a BS in Psychology to know that will cause some issues. So yeah, okay, got it. Even at nearly 50, this crap is coming up. The question isn't what or why, but how to fix it.
Specifically, how do I decide what I like for me without focusing on what affect those things might have on some unknown man on the street (or in the store)? I'm going to admit that it really disturbed me to realize exactly how much this comes up in my thinking just walking through a freaking grocery store. It is sad how little I know about my own wants and needs, irrespective of the men I come into contact with. What is wrong with me?? Damn....
Theme 2: Determine personal wants/needs/likes outside of external input
Subtheme A: Do more thinking about what I think and less about what others
think
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