Theme: Learn to be comfortable alone.
This is a theme that I'm going to come back to time and again, I think. It's a major sticking point for me, and once I succeed in this, I have a feeling that the rest will follow. OR the rest will guide me to succeeding in being alone. I admit that I have no idea which will lead the other(s).
I spent the day bemoaning the fact that I no longer had the "go-to" person I wanted to be at my beck and call via text. Funny thing, that. That kind of thing was - and continues to be - a source of great anxiety for me. I send a text of some whimsical thing I'm thinking, and what feels like days (and is really an hour or so), I get a response. Modern technology at it's best? Worst? Regardless, I hate it. Not because of the technology, but because I really hate the anxiety on the waiting. It has the potential to be soul-crushing if you tie your self-esteem too tightly to those responses. (Not that I've done that. Of course not; that would be unhealthy.....)
Anyway, I'm going through a ton of changes in my life - braces, travel, singledom, living on my own for the first time in my life at the end of the summer. There's a LOT going on here! And I process by talking to others about things. So when I don't have a specified go-to person by the very state of our relationship (dating), it's hard. I have a ton of friends who are always there for me, but still. The One. I am selfish, and I want The One. I just don't happen to have even The Right Now. By choice, admittedly, but it means that I end up spreading my chatter over several people to avoid driving them all to drink. (This may be why I'm single again.. you think?)
I made it through the day at work, left a little early to take care of the dogs, then went to watch the Blazers game with my ex. After a really amazing game that the Blazers lost, he gave me a ride to the train, like last time. This time, however, I didn't climb on in a puddle of tears. No, I felt really good. I mean, for the Blazers losing, of course. I felt strong and capable and ready for tomorrow. I have a lot of changes going on, but I feel good. I'd love a little stability at some point, but overall, I know that I'm finally heading in the right direction.
Today was good. Not a heavy-lifter, but good.
This is a theme that I'm going to come back to time and again, I think. It's a major sticking point for me, and once I succeed in this, I have a feeling that the rest will follow. OR the rest will guide me to succeeding in being alone. I admit that I have no idea which will lead the other(s).
I spent the day bemoaning the fact that I no longer had the "go-to" person I wanted to be at my beck and call via text. Funny thing, that. That kind of thing was - and continues to be - a source of great anxiety for me. I send a text of some whimsical thing I'm thinking, and what feels like days (and is really an hour or so), I get a response. Modern technology at it's best? Worst? Regardless, I hate it. Not because of the technology, but because I really hate the anxiety on the waiting. It has the potential to be soul-crushing if you tie your self-esteem too tightly to those responses. (Not that I've done that. Of course not; that would be unhealthy.....)
Anyway, I'm going through a ton of changes in my life - braces, travel, singledom, living on my own for the first time in my life at the end of the summer. There's a LOT going on here! And I process by talking to others about things. So when I don't have a specified go-to person by the very state of our relationship (dating), it's hard. I have a ton of friends who are always there for me, but still. The One. I am selfish, and I want The One. I just don't happen to have even The Right Now. By choice, admittedly, but it means that I end up spreading my chatter over several people to avoid driving them all to drink. (This may be why I'm single again.. you think?)
I made it through the day at work, left a little early to take care of the dogs, then went to watch the Blazers game with my ex. After a really amazing game that the Blazers lost, he gave me a ride to the train, like last time. This time, however, I didn't climb on in a puddle of tears. No, I felt really good. I mean, for the Blazers losing, of course. I felt strong and capable and ready for tomorrow. I have a lot of changes going on, but I feel good. I'd love a little stability at some point, but overall, I know that I'm finally heading in the right direction.
Today was good. Not a heavy-lifter, but good.
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