A Single Year and a Day - Day 7 - Moving on and moving up

Theme:  Learn to be comfortable alone.

This is a theme that I'm going to come back to time and again, I think. It's a major sticking point for me, and once I succeed in this, I have a feeling that the rest will follow. OR the rest will guide me to succeeding in being alone. I admit that I have no idea which will lead the other(s).

I spent the day bemoaning the fact that I no longer had the "go-to" person I wanted to be at my beck and call via text. Funny thing, that. That kind of thing was - and continues to be - a source of great anxiety for me. I send a text of some whimsical thing I'm thinking, and what feels like days (and is really an hour or so), I get a response. Modern technology at it's best? Worst? Regardless, I hate it. Not because of the technology, but because I really hate the anxiety on the waiting. It has the potential to be soul-crushing if you tie your self-esteem too tightly to those responses. (Not that I've done that. Of course not; that would be unhealthy.....)

Anyway, I'm going through a ton of changes in my life - braces, travel, singledom, living on my own for the first time in my life at the end of the summer. There's a LOT going on here! And I process by talking to others about things. So when I don't have a specified go-to person by the very state of our relationship (dating), it's hard. I have a ton of friends who are always there for me, but still. The One. I am selfish, and I want The One. I just don't happen to have even The Right Now. By choice, admittedly, but it means that I end up spreading my chatter over several people to avoid driving them all to drink. (This may be why I'm single again.. you think?)

I made it through the day at work, left a little early to take care of the dogs, then went to watch the Blazers game with my ex. After a really amazing game that the Blazers lost, he gave me a ride to the train, like last time. This time, however, I didn't climb on in a puddle of tears. No, I felt really good. I mean, for the Blazers losing, of course. I felt strong and capable and ready for tomorrow. I have a lot of changes going on, but I feel good. I'd love a little stability at some point, but overall, I know that I'm finally heading in the right direction.

Today was good. Not a heavy-lifter, but good.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 6 - There's alone, and then there's Alone

Themes: Learn to be comfortable alone & Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help

As today has gone on, I've been feeling this blanket of despair falling over me. It's not "I'm gonna die!" despair, but that's still the best word for it. It's a deep sadness bundled up with a feeling of no escape. This feeling belongs here, it seems to say, and it's going nowhere. As the blanket settled on my shoulders, I allowed it to envelop me. I wanted to explore the emotions, understand the feelings that were beginning to overcome me.

At first, the cacophony of thoughts drowned out any real substantive features, but slowly, certain thoughts began to emerge as useful. Mostly questions: What am I sad for? What am I reaching for? What am I aching for? Aching... I'm aching... why am I aching? What is causing the aching? Can I relieve it? ... what am I aching for?

This was an interesting line of thought for me. That ache is ubiquitous with my broken hearts. Every time I walk out of a relationship - whether it's by holding the door or walking through it myself - I get this ache, this overwhelming feeling of deep sadness broadened by need. Need... what do I need? If I figure this need out, will the ache go away? Can I fill whatever need there is without a partner? Can I be enough to fill this need?

... what is it that I need?

I sat quietly at my desk, listening to the Paper Kites, and let that question wash over me. What is it that I need? What.... do.... I .... need.... need? Want? No, it's need. It's a bone-deep need. It fills me completely, under this blanket of sadness. So what is it?

The image of curling up on the couch with my ex came up; us watching TV, laughing, snuggling. A feeling of warmth hit me with a bit of a sharp cut that surprised me. I looked at the cut, and an image of my ex in a rage, angry at me for making a mistake, the feeling of being on edge, of walking on glass like when I was a child and my angry alcoholic father would scream. This image was a flash - barely perceptible, but there, bringing with it the emotions that I swore I wouldn't deal with again. As the flash passed,

I focused on that "need" again, trying to figure out what being in a relationship did that made it abate. An image of my ex and I walking along the Pugent Sound shore, holding hands, talking, but there was another bit of sharpness. I wasn't relaxed with him. Not fully. I had told myself that I was, but in looking at it now, I realize that I was nearly always a little on edge. What would upset him? What would make him sad, angry, annoyed? What would I say that would change the tone of our conversation?

Again, it had been a flash, barely a thought. Yet, still... knowledge.

A few more minutes of this kind of work, and a true image began to show itself. The Need. The driving desire that built up this horrible sadness when I was single. I want - no, need - to feel fully comfortable with someone. Not just comfortable, but... myself. My true self. My whole self. I need to be where I don't need masks, armor, war paint. Where I don't need to worry about my every word, my every movement. Where I can make mistakes and it's okay. Where am I loved. Loved the way my friends keep telling me that I deserve. Loved for me, and not for who they want me to be, or who I think they want me to be.

So much of our lives are hidden from the world. We choose what we wear to present an image, not because it's who we really are. Yesterday, because I was going into a big meeting with a lot of people that I needed to listen to me, I wore a business skirt, shell blouse, cardigan, and heels. I had put on make-up, straightened my hair, and trimmed my fingernails. Battle mode. War paint on. Armor in place. Face of professionalism ready. Today, I wore jeans and a kind of dressy top. Tennis shoes, no make-up, and my hair up in a pony tail. I wanted to be invisible, unseen, ignored. I wanted to deal with the pain of last night that still lingered when I woke up this morning. The Invisible Woman mode.

But with whom do we ever get to do relax like that? In theory, our partners, the people who are with us by choice, who love us wholly.

That's what I'm looking for, but haven't had in a long time. I never had it with my first husband. He believed me to be not-so-bright, but a great lay. Pretty good mom, but of course, he was the better parent. To him, I was always lacking. After him I dated a man who actively sought to hide me from the world as a part of his life. He didn't want to go in public with me. If we did, it was as "buddies". My second husband... with him I felt the most at "home". It took me seven long years to finally trust that he would be there, to relax and start to be myself (minus watching my every word for fear that I would tip his depression into the wrong direction), but it was my closest to getting there. Then, five years later, that "home" was blown away in a spectacular fashion. When that relationship exploded, it wasn't a simple blanket of sadness overlaid with need. No, my heart went into a coma and is only just beginning to emerge. And now my most recent ex... he is so uncomfortable with himself that I was never going to be able to be myself with him. He focuses so heavily on how the outside world sees him, and therefore how it sees me, as I was a reflection of his choices. And I was found wanting... often. He demanded perfection, though he probably doesn't even realize that he did it, and I am never going to be perfect.

Home... this emotional blanket fort filled with sadness and need... it's my shelter while I seek home. While I seek a place to sink into wholly, completely, nakedly. It's filled with sadness because I'm completely alone in there, snuggling into myself, trying to push away the need that fills my soul. So alone, and that's what I've always focused on. The alone part... not the home part. Because if I can be with someone, there's a chance that I'll find home. If I'm alone, well... how would it even be possible?

And here's where my epiphany comes in. When I was with my ex - all of my exes - I wasn't alone, but finding home was never possible with them, either. I was completely incapable of being myself while with them because I was 100% focused on being what I thought they wanted me to be, which is the exact opposite of what I need. 

I wasn't alone, but I was Alone. I felt those shards, those punctures, over and over and over again, and I thought that it was okay because at least I wasn't alone.

What is wrong with me? It's my mantra right now. Not in a self-defacing way, but rather in an exploratory way. What is wrong with me? And on this, I've found an answer. My fear of being alone has pushed me to be Alone for almost all of my life. I need the comfort of a warm embrace, a snuggle-in, but with someone who doesn't prick me with his shards. I need to relax without worrying about getting splinters.

I need... to be me. I need... to love me. I need... to snuggle in alone and relax, pulling that blanket up for a time. But the blanket isn't sadness. It's a weight, warmth, a shield... I need to be alone with my blanket shield to protect myself from being Alone. I can deal with that. Aching or no, I can deal with that.

          **********************************************************************

Note: What I went through today was a form of meditation. I call it Free-flow, but I'm sure there's some other fancy name for it. Basically, I focus on a feeling, an emotion, a thought, and let my mind wander on that until it pulls me in a direction, and I follow that thread until I either come up with an answer or a dead-end. If it's an answer and I don't need more, I leave it there. If I feel like I need more or I've hit a dead end, I travel that path backwards to the first focus and follow a different thread in another direction. I can do this dozens of different times for a single topic, or I can do it once and find what I'm looking for. This one took me down a lot of paths, a lot of memories, a lot of feelings, before I got to my "answer". I just wrote about a few of them.

This is a really effective method for me to explore my emotions, something that I continually learn from. 

A Single Year and a Day - Day 5 - Heartfelt hugs from a Stranger

I have no goals, plans, or themes for today. I did, and then the day just happened, and I knew that it didn't matter what I thought I would blog about. This blog is just about living, and feeling, and doing.

The work that I do is stressful. A lot of moving parts, a lot of data, a lot of making sure that it all shows up where, when, and how it's supposed to. If it doesn't, there's a very real fear that personal health data will end up in the wrong place to the wrong people. I know that I don't want the world to know my business, so this is a pretty big thing.

Today, a large group of my business partners showed up to figure out how to make sure that the work that my teammate and I do is fully supported. For nine hours, we worked as a team to build new processes to fix what was broken. I have never felt more supported or heard in my life. By the end of the day, a fairly high mukety-muck said to the room, "The more that I hear, the more that I understand how much support [T] and Roana need, and I feel like we really need to throw our support behind them 100%."

Our team consists of a grand total of two people. What we do affects over 50 business partners and several hundreds of thousands of members, and today that was not only recognized, but celebrated. My team's efforts were applauded. That hit my heart square on.

Then I met up with my ex to watch the Blazers game. It's not what you think; we aren't getting back together. But he is one of my best friends, and I am definitely his. We need each other in a purely platonic way, and we're working toward that. In fact, being around him really drove home how he can't be what I need. He's a wonderful guy, but he has a lot to work through. And as has been hammered into me, I deserve someone who can and will put me at the very least on his priority list. My ex is a good guy, but I'm simply not that important to him. Not like that. Not like I'm beginning to believe that I deserve. (I still hate that word, and a post about that is totally coming up soon.)

He dropped me off at the train station, and as I walked away from his car, I truly felt the pain of what isn't and couldn't ever be. I started to cry, and I let myself. The heaving sobs, the pain, the tear-filled eyes. I needed that so much. I needed to feel that pain, that frustration, that fear. I needed to mourn what wasn't and never was going to be. It doesn't matter how I feel about him, it's so one-sided as to be laughable. So I cried.

I cried as I waited for the train. I cried as I leaned against the clear plastic divider on the train. I cried my heart out, and I knew that it was exactly what I needed.

At some point, as I just allowed myself to hurt, a young man got on the train. He wore a Blazers jersey, a pair of long shorts, and had a long board with him. He was maybe late 20s/early 30s? White, ginger beard, and a ball cap on his head. He got on the train and stood across from me. I barely noticed him, so caught up in my own pain, until he asked me if I was okay. I nodded, and continued to cry.

Then he did the most Portland thing ever. He said, "Do you need a hug?" I nodded, and he reached over and just held me while I cried. I have no idea how long he held me, but it was at least a few stops. When I finally pulled away, he patted my arm and said, "What's going on?"

I told him that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and while I knew that that's how it goes sometimes, it still hurt so damn much. I said, "Life. It's so hard." He said, "Yeah. I get it. I just lost my brother. He was 35 years old, and work, stress, life... it killed him."

And we stood there, the two of us, in a joined sorrow for several minutes, not really saying anything.

My stop came, and I thanked him again. He asked me my name, I told him, then he told me his. He hugged me again, and I got off the train. I cried the entire way home because of his incredible kindness.

There will be those who think that it's awful how sad I was, how much I cried, maybe even be weirded out by what happened with this stranger on the train. Personally? I feel like I'm finally beginning to feel a bit. It may have taken five days, but for the first time, I've cried - and cried hard - over the loss of a dream, and over the fear that this is my life now. Tomorrow I'll feel a million times better because today I cried in the arms of a stranger.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 4 - Guidelines and Definitions

Goal: Set guidelines for this year and a day

Timeframe: 1 day

Process: Decide what this year is meant to achieve, and set guidelines for successes and areas that need continued work

Success: Complete general guidelines to help me through this year

Progress: [Complete]

Even though I've known for a couple of days that I'm going to need guidelines, rules, something to help me get through this year, I am struggling to figure them out. I have a lot of expectations for myself, and a lot of "themes" to process. Some, if not all, of them are going to need at the very least definitions.

I've written and rewritten a number of things, only to erase them again and again. This really isn't easy. Yet, when I think about why I'm doing this, what my end-goals are, the whole definition thing becomes much easier.

Single - Not dating anyone. Not even casually, because I'm incapable of worrying about myself when I'm romantically with another person, even for only one evening. So, single is exactly that: single. Solo.

Alone - The goal is to do the kinds of things that I would spend time with a partner, but alone. Go to the movies, a museum, a weekend on the coast, or a night home on my own. I want to learn how to feel comfortable in those situations without someone there beside me.

Emotionally Available - This is when I am able to trust someone enough to let them in. As an example, every relationship that I've been in for the past 18 years, I've been waiting for him to leave from day one. Every. Relationship. It took seven years before I started to trust my ex-husband not to leave, and that ended way worse than him just leaving. So, trust. I need to learn to trust again.

The rules, or rather guidelines, for this journey are as follows:

• Journal every day, if not on this blog, then elsewhere to be posted later
• Be willing to step back from a relationship if one may potentially happen
• Spend at least three hours of awake time alone every day, or some combination that equates to 21 hours a week (can be in combination with the other things on this list)
• Meditate daily
• Do at least one ritual a quarter (Solstices and Equinoxes)
• Exercise at least five hours a week
• Take medications and vitamins daily

Again, these are subject to change as we roll through the year, but this is a good start. There are no repercussions if I don't hit these guidelines. I deal with enough self-flagellation; I'm not going to add to it. I just need this stuff written down. Some way to keep my focus - or regain it, as the case may be. 

This wasn't a particularly fun blog post to write. It was harder than it should have been. I wonder why. 

A Single Year and a Day - Themes to Address

The themes have been set and I wanted them to all be in one place for easy reference. I'm going to be needing these a lot over the next several months.

1. Learn to be comfortable alone.
2. Determine personal wants/needs/likes outside of external input. 
1. Do more thinking about what I think and less about what others think.
3. Find what I love about being me and not only love it but celebrate it.
4. Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help.
5. Learn and apply the techniques needed to feel freely again.
6. Set goals and create plan for a sound body and better physical health.

I like these themes. It lays out a plan for me. They may change as the year progresses, but it's a good starting point. 

A Single Year and a Day - Day 3

Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise

Timeframe: 3 days (last day)

Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change

Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on

Progress: [Complete] 

Years ago, I felt everything... deeply. Heart on my sleeve? Nah. Heart on my whole shirt, maybe my skirt and socks, too. I cried freely and I laughed heartily. I loved with all of my heart, and I gave my emotional all to all those with whom I came into contact. Remembering that time in my life, I remember the freedom that came with that way of living. My emotions weren't volatile, just... out there for the world to see.

Over the years, with tragedy and injury after tragedy and injury, I closed in on myself. It's not that my emotions aren't there. I just can't access them like I used to. They're... frozen in my chest in a block of ice. Every now and then, the ice will melt and I'll feel a bit. Not a lot, but something. 

The weight of that block of ice is daunting. The pressure, the stress of carrying it, the fear that it will never melt. What if those emotions are never released? What if my fear of being hurt again keeps me from being able to love freely again?

I do feel, but it's muted. Like the ice filters my emotions, chills it to keep it from burning too hot. I dunno. Is this just what happens as an adult? Your heart lives freely in the beginning, but over the years, callouses form. Every painful thing said - "You know, I don't think I ever loved you." - and loss - "I'm sorry, but your baby was just too small to make it." - and tragedy - "I've been sleeping with other people." - rubs against your heart, dragging gores into the flesh which eventually scab over. Over time, that beautiful heart that sang with every sunrise struggles to hum over anything. 

There's a mental health diagnosis for this kind of thing. It's called Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. That's the extreme version, the one where a person has lost all sense of connection to the world because the scabs and callouses have completely covered their heart. They've completely emotionally checked out. Their heart is a geode.

This terrifies me. How many more tragedies am I away from that? What will have to happen to push me into that status?

Yeah, okay, I'm just not willing to go there. So I need to figure out how to melt that ice, shave those callouses, crack that geode. Whatever crappy metaphor you want to use, that. I need to figure out how to do that. 

Theme 5: Learn and apply the techniques needed to feel freely again.

I don't remember where I heard this, but recently I heard someone talking about what makes a great relationship. They said that when someone makes you want to grow and be better for that person, that's how you know you're where you should be. At first, this really resonated with me. Wow, I thought. Yes! I want to be better, and I have this incentive. To be better for him. 

What. The. Fuck? Like, seriously?

There are a lot of things that I need to be better at, and I will continue to work on those things with or without a man in my life. Because I deserve (this is a word that I struggle with and will likely come back to another time) to be the best person I can be. End. Of. Story. The only way to get there is by picking myself up and doing the things. Not because or despite of some guy, but because I need to be better. 

The sentiment should really have been that when someone makes you want to grow and be better with that person. Together, you both strive to be so much more than you thought you could be on your own. Not one or the other, but both of you. 

This is 100% where I fail. I am exceptional at helping others become better versions of themselves, without finding someone willing to do the converse. It's not that they're users, so much as they simply can't/won't/don't know how to help me be the best version of myself.

I've always interpreted that as they clearly don't love me. If they did, they'd do this for me. The more that I think about it, though, the more that I realize that love isn't the big factor here. It's laziness. They very well might love me, but they simply cannot get up the gumption to be that person for me, even when I've done it for them. Worse, they honestly think they have because they've said, "Yeah, I think grad school would be good for you!" Whereas I have hunted down application documents, helped write countless essays, and oftentimes done everything but actually send the application myself to help him. 

The resentment is strong in me on this. I want someone that I can trust (oh man...) to walk me through those steps when necessary. This has become my litmus test in my mind. 

However... I'm dedicated to being single for a year and a day. So I have to be my own incentive. I have goals, things I want to accomplish outside of rebuilding my soul and uncovering my heart. These should be as important as everything else. Not to attract a man. Not to keep a man. Not for any reason other than I deserve to be a better me. 

Theme 6: Set goals and create plan for a sound body and better physical health.

A Single Year and a Day - Day 2

Goal: Figure out what I want and need from this exercise

Timeframe: 3 days (2 days left)

Process: Track mental gymnastics and look for thoughts/attitudes to change

Success: Define at least six overarching themes to focus on

Progress: 4 of 6 

Today ... was a day. My son and I went to my ex's place to get the rest of my things, and walking through the house, scouring the backyard for the dogs' toys... all of it, hurt. I teared up as I said my good-byes to an empty house, wishing it could be different. I laughed a lot in that house. I felt comfortable and at ease there. Even though I still have a key, I honestly don't know if I'll ever see the inside of it again. 

Because I'm me, my mind went to the next woman he'll bring there. What will she think? How will he act with her? Will he be in love with her, passionate and playful? Will she be able to break through in a way that I couldn't? 

I'm jealous of someone he may not even know yet. What am I jealous of? Am I jealous that he'll be with someone else? Yes, but only in so much as it's a representative of what I'm not. Whomever she will be, she will be something I'm not. Thinner, prettier, funnier, smarter... what will it be about her that will catch and possibly keep him? What will she have that will bring up the passion that he couldn't find with me? What is wrong with me that will be right with her?

And that's kind of the thing. Intellectually, I know that some relationships work and others don't, and sometimes there just isn't a logical, coherent reason why. Two humans in a relationship means that there are dynamics that can't be accounted for on paper. Intellectually, I know this. And intellectually, I know that he was right to break up. My head is very much in agreement. But my heart...?

Yeah, that gets tricky. I do not doubt for one second that I love him. I want only good things for him. I really do want him to be happy. At the same time, I know that a big part of why this breakup hurts is because once again, I was found wanting. I wasn't enough. I was too fat, too bossy, too... me. If only I'd have worked harder, done more, acted more sexy, it would have been different. If only I'd... 

... not been me. 

That's what I'm bemoaning. That I wasn't woman enough to keep a man. It doesn't matter if he's the wrong man for me or not. It doesn't matter if I knew that I wanted more than he was able to give. What matters is that I failed. I wasn't enough. I lack... something. Again. Because as a twice-divorced woman with almost no singledom in between, what I keep telling myself is that I... lack. Intrinsically. Internally. Externally. I don't know what it is because I can't put my finger on it. If I could, I'd fix it. I'd be more. I'd work harder. I'd ...

... not be me.

I need to remember that it's not all about whether or not I was enough. Sometimes, it's about whether he's enough for me. Sometimes, it's about whether that relationship fills my head, my heart, and my soul. Sometimes, I'm enough, but the relationship just isn't.

Theme 3: Find what I love about being me and not only love it but celebrate it.

A number of friends have reached out to me over the past couple of days. I've gotten a lot of love, support, and just plain kindness. Some have offered words of advice from having gone through something similar; others have offered anecdotes about what their single-by-choice life has meant to them. Some just wanted me to know that they were around and cared. 

One friend very pointedly told me that I'm only as alone as I want to be because I could always reach out. 

If you know me, you already know that's really hard for me to do. My best friend will text me to ask me how I'm doing, to which I'll say, "Oh, you know. But how are you? How did X go? Tell me all about how life is going for you!" And she will immediately call me out for deflecting. She will steer me back to my life, my woes, my fears, my concerns. Because she knows me well, she watches for it, and counters it. To my face, if you can believe it!

So, for the past couple of years, I've been working on not doing that. To understand that when my friends ask me how I'm doing, they actually want to know. It's not like my boss asking me in passing by the water cooler how everything is. No, these people really do care. They want to listen. Most importantly, I'm not a burden when I start with, "I'm really hurting today, and I could use a shoulder for a bit." 

This means the world to me. Many of these people have been my lifeline since the end of my marriage when I went into a black abyss with no way to get out on my own. Nonetheless, I still believe that self-soothing is an important skill to have. It's why I started meditating years ago. I could find my peace even if I couldn't ask for a hand. 

Now that I have hands aplenty, and many shoulders, I've backed away from meditating, and I think that's a problem. I think that a large part of my problems stem from my lack of centering, finding my soul, and focusing internally on where I feel out of balance. I need to get back there. I need to find my soul again, and spend some time taking care of it.

Theme 4: Take time to do the rituals and meditations that help.