It's been a while. So long, in fact, that a friend reached out to me to see if I was okay. I am. Okay, I mean. Still processing a lot, still spending way too much time in my own head. Still wishing I had someone to love me - to truly cherish me.
The last couple of weeks, I've been binge watching Jane the Virgin. It's a love story. Well, actually, it's multiple love stories, and I thought it would be so hard - too hard - to watch. I'm fighting hard to be okay being single, but at the same time, I'm still wishing so much to have someone cherish me, to come home to that is just happy that I'm there, that wants to make my bad day better. Someone who will go out of their way for me like I do for others. Make me a priority. And here's this grand love story - series of grand love stories - how could I watch it?
Easily. Because I got something else entirely from the show. I learned from Jane the Virgin - from Jane, the Virgin - how to have an adult relationship. How to think about what I want first, and then think about the other person. Jane does an exceptional job of making sure that she's treated right. She refuses to compromise herself to do the easy thing.
If you've never seen the show, you should. The whole thing - all five years - are on Netflix right now. Go watch it. There are four strong, independent, capable women who move through their days, learning from and living with one another. And most importantly, loving each other. I mean, sure, there are guys in the show, too, and they're important. But they're not the story for me. The story for me is about those women knowing who they are, what they want, and who they want in their lives. And fighting to make sure that they each take care of themselves. Through it all, they have each other. The men flow through their lives, coming and going, but the women have each others' backs from beginning to end.
I want a partner in my life. I want a guy to come home to who will take one look at me and know that I need to sit down, have a glass of wine, and be coddled and cared for. Who will be there, who will fight for our relationship, who chooses me every day. But... I want that sisterhood, too.
I'm incredibly blessed in that I count four amazing women as my sisters, one by blood and three by heart. They are every bit as strong, resilient, silly, and amazing as the Villanueva women (and Petra). They hold me up, keep me grounded, and make me laugh at the absolute best times. I hope that I am as good to them as they are to me. I try to be.
Why has it taken so long to write here? Because I didn't like how I felt, or what I kept thinking in my head. I kept rewriting my relationship with S into what I wanted it to be, instead of what it was. He and I work so well together on paper. We have a lot in common, and we get along incredibly well. At the end of the day, we have so much joy when we're together. But...
Come on. You knew there was a but because otherwise we'd be together and I wouldn't be on this bizarre teenager's journey at nearly 50. So, but...
... he doesn't love me. Not the way that I need. Not the way that I deserve. Not the way that he wants to love me, either. And if I've learned nothing else from Jane the Virgin, it's that I do deserve to be cherished. It's what I want, and I can't settle for less. It hurts that he doesn't - and probably can't - love me that way, but I do know that it's okay. I can wait for the guy who can. Whose life fits mine just as well, and who loves me. Someone who will make some grand gesture, who will fight every day to make sure that I know that I'm loved.
I should feel good about that, but I don't. I just feel tired. Worn out. I'm three months into this journey, and I'm already so done. I'm looking for that Happily Ever After, and wondering if it will ever come. And wondering if I'll be okay if it doesn't. Because I won't settle again for anything less. So, I guess I'll have to be. Right?
Right.
The last couple of weeks, I've been binge watching Jane the Virgin. It's a love story. Well, actually, it's multiple love stories, and I thought it would be so hard - too hard - to watch. I'm fighting hard to be okay being single, but at the same time, I'm still wishing so much to have someone cherish me, to come home to that is just happy that I'm there, that wants to make my bad day better. Someone who will go out of their way for me like I do for others. Make me a priority. And here's this grand love story - series of grand love stories - how could I watch it?
Easily. Because I got something else entirely from the show. I learned from Jane the Virgin - from Jane, the Virgin - how to have an adult relationship. How to think about what I want first, and then think about the other person. Jane does an exceptional job of making sure that she's treated right. She refuses to compromise herself to do the easy thing.
If you've never seen the show, you should. The whole thing - all five years - are on Netflix right now. Go watch it. There are four strong, independent, capable women who move through their days, learning from and living with one another. And most importantly, loving each other. I mean, sure, there are guys in the show, too, and they're important. But they're not the story for me. The story for me is about those women knowing who they are, what they want, and who they want in their lives. And fighting to make sure that they each take care of themselves. Through it all, they have each other. The men flow through their lives, coming and going, but the women have each others' backs from beginning to end.
I want a partner in my life. I want a guy to come home to who will take one look at me and know that I need to sit down, have a glass of wine, and be coddled and cared for. Who will be there, who will fight for our relationship, who chooses me every day. But... I want that sisterhood, too.
I'm incredibly blessed in that I count four amazing women as my sisters, one by blood and three by heart. They are every bit as strong, resilient, silly, and amazing as the Villanueva women (and Petra). They hold me up, keep me grounded, and make me laugh at the absolute best times. I hope that I am as good to them as they are to me. I try to be.
Why has it taken so long to write here? Because I didn't like how I felt, or what I kept thinking in my head. I kept rewriting my relationship with S into what I wanted it to be, instead of what it was. He and I work so well together on paper. We have a lot in common, and we get along incredibly well. At the end of the day, we have so much joy when we're together. But...
Come on. You knew there was a but because otherwise we'd be together and I wouldn't be on this bizarre teenager's journey at nearly 50. So, but...
... he doesn't love me. Not the way that I need. Not the way that I deserve. Not the way that he wants to love me, either. And if I've learned nothing else from Jane the Virgin, it's that I do deserve to be cherished. It's what I want, and I can't settle for less. It hurts that he doesn't - and probably can't - love me that way, but I do know that it's okay. I can wait for the guy who can. Whose life fits mine just as well, and who loves me. Someone who will make some grand gesture, who will fight every day to make sure that I know that I'm loved.
I should feel good about that, but I don't. I just feel tired. Worn out. I'm three months into this journey, and I'm already so done. I'm looking for that Happily Ever After, and wondering if it will ever come. And wondering if I'll be okay if it doesn't. Because I won't settle again for anything less. So, I guess I'll have to be. Right?
Right.
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