ASYAD - Day 100 - What I've learned so far

One hundred days ago, I started on a journey of self-discovery. I wish that I could say that I've had some major epiphanies and life-altering understandings, but I'm not sure that I have.

Things I have learned about myself:

• I make things easy for people to do things with me in the hopes that people will want to do things with me.
• I don't trust people to care for me as I am.
• My fear of being forgotten stems from the two points above.

Also:

• My belief in who I am is stronger than those fears and insecurities.
• I will fight for myself when a guy isn't in the picture.
• When a guy is in the picture, the top three points take over.

So here's the problem. I can know these things, and have for a while now, but unless I'm willing to make real changes based on this knowledge, it's useless. To date, I've not done so. I've focused too much on how I'm feeling and not nearly enough on what I'm doing.

Habits created over a lifetime don't dislodge because I figured out that I'm doing them. For decades, I've adjusted my life to make it easier for people to love me. That's not going to disappear overnight. Hell, that's not even going to disappear over a month. Especially if I haven't worked up some way to make those changes. 

Conscientious living takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy. But it's the only way that I'm going to break these habits, and I have got to break them. I have to. My heart can't take these kinds of relationships anymore. My faith in humanity is suffering every time I give so much of myself - however misguided - and get so little in return. Because however much I fought the idea that I deserve more love than I've been given, however immodest I believe it to be, it's true. I absolutely do. But I'll never get it unless I demand it.

We, as a society, give little value to things freely given. We buy into the hype that it's worthless unless we've paid some price for it. I've devalued myself immensely by freely giving love, time, and energy. My love is taken with no return because they didn't invest anything to begin with. There was no need. 

There are memes and stories and beautiful poems told about women who love freely. It's a point of pride, if you believe them. You hear people say things like, "Don't let that heartache take away your ability to love freely." I was this many years old when I realized what that actually meant. 

It doesn't mean to love enough for you both. It doesn't mean to give up everything for them. It doesn't mean to check your own needs and wants at the door. That's codependency. No, what it means is once someone has earned your trust and respect, then love them freely. Then give them your whole heart. Then, and only then, do you love them with abandon.

That's the piece that I was missing. Making them earn the right to my absolute love. Such a small piece, and yet it's everything. 

Decades old habits don't change overnight. My belief that deserving love is immodest won't change because I recognize that's wrong thinking. Deprogramming childhood training will never be easy. This is a hard path I'm on.

Three months and a few days in - 100 days after a starlit night - I still hurt. I still don't fully understand how a person can do the things the men in my life have done to someone who loved them freely. But I have a path now. I know what I need to do. 

It starts with trusting and respecting myself. That's my first and only goal right now. And it's hard. Oh so goddamn hard. It's fighting a lifetime of hearing my father's voice in my head. Of watching my family move on without me, never really fitting in. Always being the "off" one. 

But here's the thing. I have absolutely no problem doing that in a professional setting. I demand respect for my knowledge, my skills, and my leadership. I refuse to be devalued by anyone, be it in my job or my hobby. I only have this problem with relationships with men. 

I don't have an answer to this. I'm not sure how to fix it. But I have to somehow. I've got another 265 days to figure it out before I'm back out there. 

Right now, I can't imagine that another 2650 days will get me there, but 100 days ago I didn't think that I could sit on my couch by myself in an empty apartment and feel comfort in that, either. But I did exactly that last night. 

So there's hope. I'm 100 days in, and I finally feel... hope.