ASYAD - Day 112 - Turning a Corner

Over the past few months, I've made a lot of changes in my life. I've changed my diet and exercise in order to lose the 20 pounds I gained while with S (as well as another 30) and to finally get my waistline at a healthy place. I am living alone for the first time in my life. I'm taking steps to move up in my career.

My life, for the most part, is good. I'm healthier than I've been in 25 years. (Okay, and hungrier, but we'll let that pass for now.) I can do everything that I want to do - on my own - with minimal complications. I've gone kayaking, hiking, and camping on my own. My apartment is lovely and clean, and I can run around naked anytime I want and not worry about who may walk in. (Gasp! I love to run around naked in my home!)

I miss S daily still. Or rather, I miss what I hoped we'd have. But it's a dull ache now. An acceptance ache. The kind of sore tooth that you know is there so you put your tongue on it occasionally, but you're not calling the dentist every five minutes anymore.(Forgive me the analogy; I just had a root canal.) We still talk regularly, but the urgency to have his love is mostly gone. I'm not looking to "make" him take me back. I'm just enjoying the time I do spend with him as my friend. He's a wonderful person, and I'm grateful that he's still in my life.

Somewhere in all of this, I've turned a corner of sorts. I'm finally looking to myself first. It's not evoking the relief or extreme joy that I thought it would, but it is a sort of peace that I didn't know I could feel.

Once, a few years ago, one of the most amazing men I've known saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "I'm not going to wish you happiness. That's fleeting and ephemeral. I'm wishing you peace, because that's what we all really need in our souls. Simply, peace." I lost that dear, sweet man not long after, and I feel that loss now more than ever. His kind, generous spirit understood humanity and humans in a way that made life easier.

I feel like I should be honest with all of you. When this started, my goal was to be single for a year and a day - and for myself, I included no casual dating and absolute celibacy in that. I had it in my head that I wasn't capable of casually dating anyone; that I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl. But as time has marched on, I've done some serious soul searching. The truth is, I had no idea what casually dating was like for me anymore. It has been more than 25 years since I've done it, so how could I possibly know how I'd respond to that kind of thing? And, to probably be more frank than any of you want to know, I really missed the physical joy of being with another person. It has been a very, very long time since I've truly enjoyed that. My recent-past relationships weren't stellar in that department.

So, I reached out into the ether to see what dating was like right now. And to my utter shock, I was overwhelmed with offers for dates. Men from 18 (what the bloody hell??) to 64 were interested in taking me out. I went out on a few dates, and I've met some really decent guys. In case you were curious, no, I absolutely did not go out with the child of 18, but I did go out with a 25-year-old man just to see what that would be like. It lasted as long as it took me to drink my beer. My bottom limit is now 30. I've winnowed the field down to a handful of guys that I enjoy spending time with, and we're keeping things so casual as to be barely seeing each other. It's perfect. I have maybe one or two dates a week, they tell me that I'm sexy and beautiful, I get out of the apartment and do new things with these new people, and then I go home and love my life with my dog.

I don't know how healthy that is. Does it feed my need for external validation? Absolutely. These men think that I'm amazing, special, and beautiful. It's been so long since I've been told those things by men not married, or related to me. Both M and S were ridiculously frugal with compliments to me, and I thrive under those compliments. Again, I have no idea how healthy or unhealthy that is, but it's pretty much integral to who I am at this point. And it's helping me rebuild my self-esteem. So I'm going to take it. I'm going to enjoy it for what it is. These guys aren't telling me these things for any reason other than they think and feel it in the moment they say it. And that's so heady.

The dating thing is nice, but for the first time, it's an addendum to my life, not the focus of it. My life revolves around me, my dog, and my art. My life revolves around building my career, living out loud, and being myself. My life is about me, and I am near tears with the joy of being able to say that honestly.

I still ache for what could have been. I still miss being in a relationship. But it's easier to set that aside now. It's easier to keep the focus where it's supposed to be.

ASYAD - Day 100 - What I've learned so far

One hundred days ago, I started on a journey of self-discovery. I wish that I could say that I've had some major epiphanies and life-altering understandings, but I'm not sure that I have.

Things I have learned about myself:

• I make things easy for people to do things with me in the hopes that people will want to do things with me.
• I don't trust people to care for me as I am.
• My fear of being forgotten stems from the two points above.

Also:

• My belief in who I am is stronger than those fears and insecurities.
• I will fight for myself when a guy isn't in the picture.
• When a guy is in the picture, the top three points take over.

So here's the problem. I can know these things, and have for a while now, but unless I'm willing to make real changes based on this knowledge, it's useless. To date, I've not done so. I've focused too much on how I'm feeling and not nearly enough on what I'm doing.

Habits created over a lifetime don't dislodge because I figured out that I'm doing them. For decades, I've adjusted my life to make it easier for people to love me. That's not going to disappear overnight. Hell, that's not even going to disappear over a month. Especially if I haven't worked up some way to make those changes. 

Conscientious living takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy. But it's the only way that I'm going to break these habits, and I have got to break them. I have to. My heart can't take these kinds of relationships anymore. My faith in humanity is suffering every time I give so much of myself - however misguided - and get so little in return. Because however much I fought the idea that I deserve more love than I've been given, however immodest I believe it to be, it's true. I absolutely do. But I'll never get it unless I demand it.

We, as a society, give little value to things freely given. We buy into the hype that it's worthless unless we've paid some price for it. I've devalued myself immensely by freely giving love, time, and energy. My love is taken with no return because they didn't invest anything to begin with. There was no need. 

There are memes and stories and beautiful poems told about women who love freely. It's a point of pride, if you believe them. You hear people say things like, "Don't let that heartache take away your ability to love freely." I was this many years old when I realized what that actually meant. 

It doesn't mean to love enough for you both. It doesn't mean to give up everything for them. It doesn't mean to check your own needs and wants at the door. That's codependency. No, what it means is once someone has earned your trust and respect, then love them freely. Then give them your whole heart. Then, and only then, do you love them with abandon.

That's the piece that I was missing. Making them earn the right to my absolute love. Such a small piece, and yet it's everything. 

Decades old habits don't change overnight. My belief that deserving love is immodest won't change because I recognize that's wrong thinking. Deprogramming childhood training will never be easy. This is a hard path I'm on.

Three months and a few days in - 100 days after a starlit night - I still hurt. I still don't fully understand how a person can do the things the men in my life have done to someone who loved them freely. But I have a path now. I know what I need to do. 

It starts with trusting and respecting myself. That's my first and only goal right now. And it's hard. Oh so goddamn hard. It's fighting a lifetime of hearing my father's voice in my head. Of watching my family move on without me, never really fitting in. Always being the "off" one. 

But here's the thing. I have absolutely no problem doing that in a professional setting. I demand respect for my knowledge, my skills, and my leadership. I refuse to be devalued by anyone, be it in my job or my hobby. I only have this problem with relationships with men. 

I don't have an answer to this. I'm not sure how to fix it. But I have to somehow. I've got another 265 days to figure it out before I'm back out there. 

Right now, I can't imagine that another 2650 days will get me there, but 100 days ago I didn't think that I could sit on my couch by myself in an empty apartment and feel comfort in that, either. But I did exactly that last night. 

So there's hope. I'm 100 days in, and I finally feel... hope.

ASYD - Day 95 - Learning from Jane

It's been a while. So long, in fact, that a friend reached out to me to see if I was okay. I am. Okay, I mean. Still processing a lot, still spending way too much time in my own head. Still wishing I had someone to love me - to truly cherish me.

The last couple of weeks, I've been binge watching Jane the Virgin. It's a love story. Well, actually, it's multiple love stories, and I thought it would be so hard - too hard - to watch. I'm fighting hard to be okay being single, but at the same time, I'm still wishing so much to have someone cherish me, to come home to that is just happy that I'm there, that wants to make my bad day better. Someone who will go out of their way for me like I do for others. Make me a priority. And here's this grand love story - series of grand love stories - how could I watch it?

Easily. Because I got something else entirely from the show. I learned from Jane the Virgin - from Jane, the Virgin - how to have an adult relationship. How to think about what I want first, and then think about the other person. Jane does an exceptional job of making sure that she's treated right. She refuses to compromise herself to do the easy thing.

If you've never seen the show, you should. The whole thing - all five years - are on Netflix right now. Go watch it. There are four strong, independent, capable women who move through their days, learning from and living with one another. And most importantly, loving each other. I mean, sure, there are guys in the show, too, and they're important. But they're not the story for me. The story for me is about those women knowing who they are, what they want, and who they want in their lives. And fighting to make sure that they each take care of themselves. Through it all, they have each other. The men flow through their lives, coming and going, but the women have each others' backs from beginning to end.

I want a partner in my life. I want a guy to come home to who will take one look at me and know that I need to sit down, have a glass of wine, and be coddled and cared for. Who will be there, who will fight for our relationship, who chooses me every day. But... I want that sisterhood, too.

I'm incredibly blessed in that I count four amazing women as my sisters, one by blood and three by heart. They are every bit as strong, resilient, silly, and amazing as the Villanueva women (and Petra). They hold me up, keep me grounded, and make me laugh at the absolute best times. I hope that I am as good to them as they are to me. I try to be.

Why has it taken so long to write here? Because I didn't like how I felt, or what I kept thinking in my head. I kept rewriting my relationship with S into what I wanted it to be, instead of what it was. He and I work so well together on paper. We have a lot in common, and we get along incredibly well. At the end of the day, we have so much joy when we're together. But...

Come on. You knew there was a but because otherwise we'd be together and I wouldn't be on this bizarre teenager's journey at nearly 50. So, but...

... he doesn't love me. Not the way that I need. Not the way that I deserve. Not the way that he wants to love me, either. And if I've learned nothing else from Jane the Virgin, it's that I do deserve to be cherished. It's what I want, and I can't settle for less. It hurts that he doesn't - and probably can't - love me that way, but I do know that it's okay. I can wait for the guy who can. Whose life fits mine just as well, and who loves me. Someone who will make some grand gesture, who will fight every day to make sure that I know that I'm loved.

I should feel good about that, but I don't. I just feel tired. Worn out. I'm three months into this journey, and I'm already so done. I'm looking for that Happily Ever After, and wondering if it will ever come. And wondering if I'll be okay if it doesn't. Because I won't settle again for anything less. So, I guess I'll have to be. Right?

Right.