I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine today. He has the uncanny ability to clarify so many things for me. I vent to him, whine about how I feel, what I'm thinking, how I'm acting, and he distills it down into simple actions. Or he points out that what I think is horribly unhealthy is, in fact, pretty damn healthy.
Today, we talked about how hard it is to just feel feelings. I'm trying to allow myself the sadness of missing S, while also recognizing that how I felt throughout that whole relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I explained it as trying to remember the moments while rewriting how I felt in them.
This is hard to explain. I'll give an example:
Most of the time that S and I were together, I was angsty. I felt that it wasn't right - not for him, nor for me - but I wanted it to be right. I like him. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to love me. In the romantic sense, not in the way that I love all of my friends. We worked well together, and I really wanted to build that into something special for both of us.
Big reveal: That doesn't work.
In fact, it creates situations of stress, anger, hurt, and confusion. All of the emotions that I have now equated to my relationship with S. And honestly? To M, my ex-husband, as well. It's hard to think back on moments - memories - and not immediately feel those things. I get images in my mind about going to play pool, hanging out at the house watching TV, playing with the dogs... and I immediately feel anxious. It's not a warm-fuzzy feeling of being with someone I love doing something I enjoy. It's anxiety over how that person feels about me, how I'm being perceived by that person, and how my actions are affecting all of that. And it drove my self-esteem into the gutter.
See, this whole codependency thing. It's about control. It's a deep-in-your-soul belief that you have the power and strength to control those around you by your actions. So when you can't control things, when people don't do what you want them to do, it digs into that belief. It undermines this concept you have in your own power.
Shockingly, this means that my memories are pretty tainted. Those emotions were valid, of course, but when I try to think back on those memories and instead see it as two friends enjoying a day, it's so incredibly different. If I set aside - not disregard, but actively set aside - those feeling of anxiety, it's a pretty wonderful history of memories. I'm sad that I tainted 18 months of interactions with those anxieties, with my need to control. I want to re-remember everything in the light of what I now accept to be true: that S and I are great companions, but not great partners.
I talked to my friend about this. I had been in a funk, sad and despondent, missing S. I said that I was afraid that I was wallowing instead of just feeling because I didn't know where the line was.
He said, "It seems to me that wallowing is being submerged and not processing."
I replied, "I'm struggling with trying to change the feelings. Like, instead of thinking back and feeling the angst, changing that to acceptance."
He said, "That's the processing part, right?"
Huh? Wait....what?
I've known that I need to process my feelings, that I need to work through them, that ... well you know all the same psycho-babble I do. I needed to do that stuff. But I've never once thought through what "that crap" actually was. Well, now I do. At least, this is my version of what that crap means.
It's okay to feel sad for the loss of a relationship. It's okay to feel loss in the potential for a relationship. It's even okay to feel loss of the person. Those are all valid things. The processing part is looking at those feelings and seeing how they change with the new information in hand. Like, I miss the idea of S and I as a couple. It was never going to be as neither of us really felt that spark. But the idea of it, the potential - that was real. And it was a dream for me for a long time. Now I know, however, the reality of that potential - it was nil. We just don't work that way, the two of us. Blaming him or demanding he do things differently or trying to force him into some mold - all that does is destroy what is actually there. That friendship, that love. And when I think of those anxious feelings, when I think of the sadness of that loss, through the lens of friendship instead of romantic love, it takes on a new life for me.
I don't see his actions as "slights" or uncaring. I don't see the things that he said as unkind or hurtful. Our time together isn't filled with lost potential, but rather comfortable camaraderie. We were always friends, and never really lovers. As such, his actions fit for us. It just didn't fit the dream I had for us.
This isn't to say that there weren't issues even as friends. I'm not taking all of the responsibility on myself of where we are or how we were. He, like me, has issues with relationships. He, like me, was pushing things along for far too long. He has his own path to tread through therapy and self-discovery that has nothing to do with me.
On Sunday, I told him that I needed a break from our friendship. The pain was - and is - still too raw. This is going to be a process, to work through these emotions and relearn how to feel them. It wasn't going to happen while he and I continued down the same road, trying to be friends. I can't try to be around him without the angst until I can get rid of the angst from the past.
This whole thing is so freaking hard. Every day, I wonder how I'm going to find the energy to once again live inside my own head. At what point do I get to just be, and not overthink every single word or deed I've ever done, looking for examples of my deficits and how to fix them? There just doesn't appear to be any kind of relief. I know that's the reason for meditation, and I walk so much that I find room for that as I can. It's still hard.
If you're going through this crap, like I know a lot of my friends are, know that I get it. I understand why getting out of bed hurts sometimes. But what are our options? I'm not going to go back to being that person again. I really want to be someone I want to love, and this is how I get there. And you can get there, too. We'll trudge through this crap together, arm-in-arm. We'll be a tiny army of self-love by the end of this, damnit.
We've got this. Together, we've got this.
Today, we talked about how hard it is to just feel feelings. I'm trying to allow myself the sadness of missing S, while also recognizing that how I felt throughout that whole relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I explained it as trying to remember the moments while rewriting how I felt in them.
This is hard to explain. I'll give an example:
Most of the time that S and I were together, I was angsty. I felt that it wasn't right - not for him, nor for me - but I wanted it to be right. I like him. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to love me. In the romantic sense, not in the way that I love all of my friends. We worked well together, and I really wanted to build that into something special for both of us.
Big reveal: That doesn't work.
In fact, it creates situations of stress, anger, hurt, and confusion. All of the emotions that I have now equated to my relationship with S. And honestly? To M, my ex-husband, as well. It's hard to think back on moments - memories - and not immediately feel those things. I get images in my mind about going to play pool, hanging out at the house watching TV, playing with the dogs... and I immediately feel anxious. It's not a warm-fuzzy feeling of being with someone I love doing something I enjoy. It's anxiety over how that person feels about me, how I'm being perceived by that person, and how my actions are affecting all of that. And it drove my self-esteem into the gutter.
See, this whole codependency thing. It's about control. It's a deep-in-your-soul belief that you have the power and strength to control those around you by your actions. So when you can't control things, when people don't do what you want them to do, it digs into that belief. It undermines this concept you have in your own power.
Shockingly, this means that my memories are pretty tainted. Those emotions were valid, of course, but when I try to think back on those memories and instead see it as two friends enjoying a day, it's so incredibly different. If I set aside - not disregard, but actively set aside - those feeling of anxiety, it's a pretty wonderful history of memories. I'm sad that I tainted 18 months of interactions with those anxieties, with my need to control. I want to re-remember everything in the light of what I now accept to be true: that S and I are great companions, but not great partners.
I talked to my friend about this. I had been in a funk, sad and despondent, missing S. I said that I was afraid that I was wallowing instead of just feeling because I didn't know where the line was.
He said, "It seems to me that wallowing is being submerged and not processing."
I replied, "I'm struggling with trying to change the feelings. Like, instead of thinking back and feeling the angst, changing that to acceptance."
He said, "That's the processing part, right?"
Huh? Wait....what?
I've known that I need to process my feelings, that I need to work through them, that ... well you know all the same psycho-babble I do. I needed to do that stuff. But I've never once thought through what "that crap" actually was. Well, now I do. At least, this is my version of what that crap means.
It's okay to feel sad for the loss of a relationship. It's okay to feel loss in the potential for a relationship. It's even okay to feel loss of the person. Those are all valid things. The processing part is looking at those feelings and seeing how they change with the new information in hand. Like, I miss the idea of S and I as a couple. It was never going to be as neither of us really felt that spark. But the idea of it, the potential - that was real. And it was a dream for me for a long time. Now I know, however, the reality of that potential - it was nil. We just don't work that way, the two of us. Blaming him or demanding he do things differently or trying to force him into some mold - all that does is destroy what is actually there. That friendship, that love. And when I think of those anxious feelings, when I think of the sadness of that loss, through the lens of friendship instead of romantic love, it takes on a new life for me.
I don't see his actions as "slights" or uncaring. I don't see the things that he said as unkind or hurtful. Our time together isn't filled with lost potential, but rather comfortable camaraderie. We were always friends, and never really lovers. As such, his actions fit for us. It just didn't fit the dream I had for us.
This isn't to say that there weren't issues even as friends. I'm not taking all of the responsibility on myself of where we are or how we were. He, like me, has issues with relationships. He, like me, was pushing things along for far too long. He has his own path to tread through therapy and self-discovery that has nothing to do with me.
On Sunday, I told him that I needed a break from our friendship. The pain was - and is - still too raw. This is going to be a process, to work through these emotions and relearn how to feel them. It wasn't going to happen while he and I continued down the same road, trying to be friends. I can't try to be around him without the angst until I can get rid of the angst from the past.
This whole thing is so freaking hard. Every day, I wonder how I'm going to find the energy to once again live inside my own head. At what point do I get to just be, and not overthink every single word or deed I've ever done, looking for examples of my deficits and how to fix them? There just doesn't appear to be any kind of relief. I know that's the reason for meditation, and I walk so much that I find room for that as I can. It's still hard.
If you're going through this crap, like I know a lot of my friends are, know that I get it. I understand why getting out of bed hurts sometimes. But what are our options? I'm not going to go back to being that person again. I really want to be someone I want to love, and this is how I get there. And you can get there, too. We'll trudge through this crap together, arm-in-arm. We'll be a tiny army of self-love by the end of this, damnit.
We've got this. Together, we've got this.
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