I talked to a couple of my friends today, and they each gave me some things to think about. It seems fitting to put them down here.
First, I had a conversation about how much we devalue ourselves. How we will bend over backwards for the people in our lives, and yet feel selfish when we tell someone what our needs are. Because it is selfish. The problem is that not all selfishness is equal. Sometimes selfish is good. It's selfish to make sure that you get downtime when you need it, but that's also self-care. It's selfish to focus on your own goals, but again, that's also self-care. Those are necessary bits of selfishness, as is telling someone what we need from them. It's a necessary bit of selfishness. It's self-care.
Intellectually, I can know this. At one time, I even believed it whole-heartedly. I did a really good job of being clear and concise in what I needed from my husband. Then my world was shattered, and that piece of me got lost. My friend reminded me that it's something that I need to find again, because I will never be whole until I do. She's not wrong.
It comes from confidence. From knowing that I value myself enough to say, "This is the least that I will accept from you." So that's where I have to start: finding my personal value again. I'm not perfect, but I'm a good person with a good heart. I am kind. I am generous to a fault. I may talk too much, but I'm not stupid or silly. Most of the time what I say makes sense, it's occasionally funny, and even on the rare occasion poignant.
These are the things that I have to focus on. Not that my hair is too frizzy, that I have more wrinkles, or that I'm still 30 pounds overweight. Not that I haven't been lucky enough to find a guy who respects me and loves me and is in love with me. (It is all luck, by the way. Sheer dumb luck. Revel in it if you've happened to fall into a good relationship with a great person.)
The second conversation focused on how little we know what we want or even who we are. She was filling out a dating site form and it asked what her passion was, and she stalled out. She didn't know anymore, though she once did. So we talked about that, how we lost ourselves, why, and how to find her again.
She's been finding inspiration in places like that, and then meditating on it. Learning about herself one question at a time, one bit of inspiration at a time. It was my goal when I started this blog, too, but I started getting too caught up in trying to be friends with my ex so that he'd like me again. Because that was easier. (Dude, seriously? It was easier to have anxiety over a guy who's made it clear that I'm just not his type than it was to learn about myself. What the hell is wrong with me??)
So I started thinking about what I need to learn about myself. I couldn't think of anything, but it occurred to me that what I really needed to do was to date myself. Hang with me here. When you start dating someone, you're hungry to learn all that you can about them. Who are they now, who were they as children, as teenagers, before you knew them? Who do they want to be next year, in five years, in 20 years? What drives them? What makes them happy, sad, upset? How do they handle those emotions? Can they share them? If not, why not?
You want to hear from them often, to get that little thrill from knowing they cared enough to reach out to you. You want to embrace them, make them feel happy in your presence. You want to make their life better, joyful, fun.
And these are all of the things that I want to do for myself. I want to learn to love myself the same way that I have learned to love so many other people. Not one of them were perfect, and some were far from it, yet I found a way to love them. Why has it been so hard to do the same for me?
My heart is still broken, and I'm still feeling the roadrash of my last two relationships, but I still think that I can figure this out. It's going to require a lot of kindness, patience, and a gentle hand, but I've gentled more tortured souls. And honestly, I'm so sick of feeling so fragile and weak. It's not who I've ever been, and it's time that I step over those feelings for the more important ones.
Nowhere to go but up, right?
First, I had a conversation about how much we devalue ourselves. How we will bend over backwards for the people in our lives, and yet feel selfish when we tell someone what our needs are. Because it is selfish. The problem is that not all selfishness is equal. Sometimes selfish is good. It's selfish to make sure that you get downtime when you need it, but that's also self-care. It's selfish to focus on your own goals, but again, that's also self-care. Those are necessary bits of selfishness, as is telling someone what we need from them. It's a necessary bit of selfishness. It's self-care.
Intellectually, I can know this. At one time, I even believed it whole-heartedly. I did a really good job of being clear and concise in what I needed from my husband. Then my world was shattered, and that piece of me got lost. My friend reminded me that it's something that I need to find again, because I will never be whole until I do. She's not wrong.
It comes from confidence. From knowing that I value myself enough to say, "This is the least that I will accept from you." So that's where I have to start: finding my personal value again. I'm not perfect, but I'm a good person with a good heart. I am kind. I am generous to a fault. I may talk too much, but I'm not stupid or silly. Most of the time what I say makes sense, it's occasionally funny, and even on the rare occasion poignant.
These are the things that I have to focus on. Not that my hair is too frizzy, that I have more wrinkles, or that I'm still 30 pounds overweight. Not that I haven't been lucky enough to find a guy who respects me and loves me and is in love with me. (It is all luck, by the way. Sheer dumb luck. Revel in it if you've happened to fall into a good relationship with a great person.)
The second conversation focused on how little we know what we want or even who we are. She was filling out a dating site form and it asked what her passion was, and she stalled out. She didn't know anymore, though she once did. So we talked about that, how we lost ourselves, why, and how to find her again.
She's been finding inspiration in places like that, and then meditating on it. Learning about herself one question at a time, one bit of inspiration at a time. It was my goal when I started this blog, too, but I started getting too caught up in trying to be friends with my ex so that he'd like me again. Because that was easier. (Dude, seriously? It was easier to have anxiety over a guy who's made it clear that I'm just not his type than it was to learn about myself. What the hell is wrong with me??)
So I started thinking about what I need to learn about myself. I couldn't think of anything, but it occurred to me that what I really needed to do was to date myself. Hang with me here. When you start dating someone, you're hungry to learn all that you can about them. Who are they now, who were they as children, as teenagers, before you knew them? Who do they want to be next year, in five years, in 20 years? What drives them? What makes them happy, sad, upset? How do they handle those emotions? Can they share them? If not, why not?
You want to hear from them often, to get that little thrill from knowing they cared enough to reach out to you. You want to embrace them, make them feel happy in your presence. You want to make their life better, joyful, fun.
And these are all of the things that I want to do for myself. I want to learn to love myself the same way that I have learned to love so many other people. Not one of them were perfect, and some were far from it, yet I found a way to love them. Why has it been so hard to do the same for me?
My heart is still broken, and I'm still feeling the roadrash of my last two relationships, but I still think that I can figure this out. It's going to require a lot of kindness, patience, and a gentle hand, but I've gentled more tortured souls. And honestly, I'm so sick of feeling so fragile and weak. It's not who I've ever been, and it's time that I step over those feelings for the more important ones.
Nowhere to go but up, right?
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