Ann Romney and SaHMs

I've been following the flack about Hilary Rosen's comments regarding Ann Romney, and have been pretty disappointed. I agree that Ms. Rosen's comments were poorly thought out, but the sentiment was on target.

As a former Stay-at-Home-Mom (SaHM), I was originally pretty irritated with Rosen. For eight years, I struggled with raising my three sons and one daughter while maintaining the house, taking care of the bills, and in general, keeping life moving for our young family. It was hard, unending work that never gave me a day off. There were few breaks, no lunch hours, and the overtime was a killer. On top of that, I had to deal with career moms saying things like, "You sure have it easy being at home." I do what?? Obviously, these women didn't have a clue, Hilary Rosen included.

Then, something occurred to me: my husband didn't have $250,000,000 to fall back on if things got rough. I couldn't hire a sitter to take a day off; we were on a tight budget since I wasn't working. If it had been a particularly tough day, there was no ordering pizza for dinner. Again, we just couldn't afford it. And no one was going to come in on a part-time basis to do my laundry, dust my shelves, or sweep my floors. It was all me, all of the time. On top of that, our family of six were crammed into a tiny, two-bedroom townhouse with very little room to put any of us, much less our stuff. Keeping things organized and clean was a huge challenge every day.

My experiences as a SaHM do not equate to Ms. Romney's in any way, whether they hired nannies, cooks, or housekeepers on a regular basis or not. She has options not available to the typical one-income family; options that can make or break a mother's mental ability to get through the freaking week. Believe me, I know. I nearly lost it multiple times when I was at home because it was hard work. Really, really hard work.

Then, 10 years ago, I divorced my husband and became a working mom. Wow. Yes, staying at home to take care of the kids was hard work. Really hard work. Being a working mom makes that seem a bit like a vacation. At least for me, that's how it seemed, and still does. Because all of that work that I was able to string out over the course of a full day, every day, I now have to cram into the few hours I have at the end of an already full day at the office. Nothing has changed for me at home except the time that I have to get all of it taken care of. Sure, I get two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute lunch now, but I also have a 40-minute commute one-way, and am busy from the minute I step foot in the office until the minute I leave it. Then I get to go home and start in on my second job.

The benefit is that now I have a little bit of extra money for those niceties that we lacked when I was home. My new husband is a student, so we're still a single-income family, but money isn't quite as tight as before. We can occasionally have a meal out. The kids are older, so sitters aren't necessary, and they do - rarely - help out with the household chores. Nonetheless, the majority of the household tasks haven't changed despite the fact that I am no longer home to do them every day.

Do I think that SaHMs work hard? Yes, yes I do. Do I think that working moms work harder? Yes, yes I do. I don't particularly care for the way that Ms. Rosen voiced her opinion, but I do agree with the sentiment.

Ms. Romney, even as a working SaHM, isn't in a position to advise her husband on what average women are looking for in the economy because she just doesn't live in the same economy most of the rest of us do. She hasn't felt the pinch of an increase in the cost of groceries, and how that changes what ends up on the table. She hasn't made her own laundry soap to save $10 a month so that the kids can go out with their friends every once in a while. For all the respect that I give Ms. Romney for not hiring a couple of nannies and a cook while she stayed home, I can't put her in the same league as the strapped, single-income SaHMs that I know.

Mr. Romney, if you really want to know what we want, ask us. Open a dialog without hiding behind your wife. Take your tie off, put on a pair of sneakers, and meet us in the kitchen for a cup of coffee. We'll be happy to tell you what worries us about our homes, our kids, and our lives. All you have to do is ask.