When someone breaks up with their partner - by choice or no - it is inevitable that someone will say, "You deserve so much better than them." It's happened at least a dozen times since this latest break up, and even more with my ex-husband. And every single time, I cringe. Often, visibly.
"You deserve better."
So much weight in that statement. So many assumptions, so many judgments.
I used to think that my friends said this as a way to say that I was better than my ex. I deserved better than that lousy so-and-so. And there's no question that several of my friends meant exactly that. There are other friends, however, who meant something entirely different. They didn't mean that I was better than my ex. Rather, they meant that I deserved better than that relationship. I deserved to be loved wholly, completely, and with abandon by my partner, something that I've never experienced. Something that I'm not sure I believe is even possible.
To be perfectly frank, I didn't know that I really deserved that kind of love. My friends are great, but they don't know the things that I've done in my life, the people that I've hurt. There are people to this day who despise me for the things that I did in college. Hell, I despise many of the things that I did in college. I'm still horribly ashamed of how I left my first husband, and that was 18 years ago.
I'm a nice person now, but I wasn't always. I am still haunted by who I was then, and I work very hard to avoid becoming her again.
My hero and constant cheerleader sent me a video today of a guy talking about how we love ourselves, or rather don't. The comedian said that if we love ourselves only 20%, when someone comes along and loves us just 30%, we're over the moon! Look at how much they love me! But if we loved ourselves 100% - loved ourselves fully - someone else would have to really go above and beyond to show their love for us in a way that we would recognize as worthy of us.
This struck me right between the eyes.
Can you imagine loving yourself so much that you don't just take the next person that shows an interest that's also mildly interesting? Wait, and get this... instead of accepting the occasional scraps of attention and love offered on their limited schedule, you expect - EXPECT - to be a priority in your partner's life. AND THEY LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO DO IT.
Mind. BLOWN.
Okay, so typing this up, I'm already feeling gross for thinking like this. How horribly selfish. So many other things are more important than I am: parents, children, careers, education, pets, gaming, the lawn, that annoying hangnail. But Christ, I'm so tired of being last on that stupid list. I'm tired of my wants and needs being merely a blip on the screen of their life, while I will rearrange my entire life for them. Only my kids have taken precedence in my life, and they're all adults now.
Most of my relationships, I've gone along just hoping that one day they would make the choices that I did for them without my having to ask. They didn't have to ask me, after all. I showered my love via my actions and choices (and often, my wallet) without them having to so much as look my direction. They mention a need or desire, and I jump to meet it. A casual comment has resulted in my spending bill money on a gas grill, or money I'd saved for a dress on a pool cue.
Because if I did, they would love me, and maybe, just maybe, they would one day wake up and do the same for me. Never mind that there's a ridiculous amount of broken that caused me to do the things that I did. That's part of the co-dependency thing. Trying to buy love, to manipulate a person into loving me. And I was crushed - absolutely crushed - when not one of the men I've dated responded in kind.
Wait, that's actually not true. There was one guy who did respond in kind. Within four months, I realized how not okay this was and walked away. And two months later, I got a restraining order against him.
Dear Lord, I really need to do a better job of actually looking at my life. *headdesk*
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around what a healthy relationship should look like - with myself as well as with someone else. What do I want it to look like? Who do I want me to be both in and out of any relationship? It's tough, and I spend a lot of time arguing with myself about this. I do know what I don't want it to look like, though.
Some time ago, I told S that he and I did a very good job of living his life, and I needed us to at the very least cross over to living our life. It didn't happen. I recognized the issues but chose not to act because at least I wasn't alone. I settled for 30%.
I see growth now. Three months ago, I wouldn't have even been able to imagine being "selfish" enough to love myself 100% first. To expect to be made a priority with the intention of not settling for less. I'm still leery of how I could do such a thing, but it's not completely alien. It seems... possible. Maybe not plausible - who would love me like that? - but possible that I could refuse a relationship that didn't.
For once, I'm focusing on what I'm willing to accept instead of what someone else is willing to give. This is huge for me. It's a step toward buying into the idea that I deserve better. That it's better to have no one's love than merely 30% of someone's, and that stems from having 100% of my own. That's a lot of numbers, and I hate numbers. Let me restate this better.
I can't settle for 30% of someone else's love anymore. I can't even settle for 80%. I deserve to be the highest priority in my partner's life with the sole exception of his children and himself. I deserve to be loved wholly, completely, and with abandon. I deserve to be put first in my own life, and I deserve to be put at the top of someone else's.
